The Stagrench Classes
by Wolfram-and-Hart-Sauron
Summary: A look at how Hell prepares and educates young devils for their work tempting human souls. Based on The Screwtape Letters.
1. School Is In Session

The Stagrench Classes

By Wolfram And Hart

Disclaimer: I don't own The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis does.

Chapter 1: School Is In Session

Good morning, class.

Welcome to the Tempters' Training College for young Devils. A new school year has begun, and with it, begins the next step in your temptation training. I see many new faces here today, and I sense a great deal of eagerness from our new additions to learn the art of temptation. Excellent. Your desire to begin leading human vermin away from the Enemy is certainly pleasing to Our Father Below.

You older students will remember me, but for you new students, I am Professor Stagrench, your dreaded teacher. You will find me a very capable and wise teacher, listen well and you'll reap the benefits of my wisdom. Disobey me, however, and you'll be severely punished. I do not tolerate disobedience or slacking off. Laziness is a fine tool to snare souls, but in Hell it will get you served on a platter along side those very souls.

Always remember why you're here: to hurt the Enemy. Causing humans suffering and leading them to eternal destruction is of course fulfilling and fun, but don't think that our enjoyment of their suffering is the only motivation of our endeavors. Our mission statement is to foil the Enemy, and ruining the little pests is merely a way of achieving that end. The Enemy made man in His own image, so remaking man in our image is the closest we can get to actually inflicting pain and suffering on Him. At least, that's as close as spirits like us can get. No doubt Our Father could inflict even worse pain directly on the Enemy if he wanted to, but his current strategy is to let us, his noble servants, to get our own victories over Him before the final triumph.

Over the next year, you will begin to see the correct way to destroy the humans and the right methods to keep them from realizing that they are in fact walking to the slaughter. It will seem complicated in the beginning, but never fear, it gets easier as time goes on. You will learn our time-tested methods of evil, and faster than you can say "Mephistopheles", you'll be up on Earth leading every mortal you're assigned to into Our Father's House. This should be the ambition of every able bodied devil in this room, because Hell demands nothing less.

Some of you no doubt think that this class will teach you how to turn an insignificant McDonalds employee into the next Hitler, but I'm afraid you've got the wrong impression of what this class teaches. As much as I wish we had it in our power to turn all our cases into spectacular monsters, I'm afraid that isn't all up to us. The Enemy has made the humans with the catch that we can't override their free will to _make_ them do anything. We're still allowed to suggest, entice, and of course deceive, but we can't reach into their heads and force them to go on a killing spree. Unfortunately, the vermin aren't a race of puppets. If they were, our job would be so easy that I wouldn't need to teach you all how to tempt them.

Luckily, the humans don't know that. Hence the old phrase "the Devil made me do it." This only shows their ignorance of their own nature. They would prefer to think that we could override their will because it frees them from personal responsibility. They hate the idea of the Enemy because they hate being held accountable. They'll do anything to shift the blame to somebody else. Even when the Enemy asked the first vermin why he had sinned, he shifted the blame to his mate. And nowadays, the humans use psychology to somehow show that what they do isn't their fault. It's always blamed on their environment, their childhood, their society, their needs, and anything else that alleviates their accountability for their actions. If there's one thing humans excel at, it's making excuses.

They've built up this idea that their lives are determined only by what happens to them and that they can't help giving into their sinful natures. They can't help drinking when everyone else does it, they can't help being abusive because they were abused, and so on. They never realize that they actually _can_ help themselves, and that they have the power to resist the temptations from themselves and from us. It's easier to shift the blame somewhere else than to look at themselves and make the choice to change. Indulging desires is easy, but being strong enough to resist takes a lot of work and the ability to admit mistakes. Thankfully, we can convince most of them to take the easy street to our dinner table than the hard road to the Enemy's Throne.

Though, don't think for a minute that our job is easy just because humans have an tendency to follow the path of least resistance. Don't forget that we are at war, and the Enemy opposes us. The Enemy Himself is always present on the battlefield, as are His soldiers (our former comrades who are still taken in by His propaganda) and human vermin who have come to know and serve Him. Not to mention the fact that nothing is naturally on our side because we oppose Him and thus the very nature of reality itself. We fight under great disadvantage, but that doesn't matter. In the end we will win! The humans are mostly ignorant of the war and thus we have the advantage of surprise. Remember that Our Father's greatest trick was convincing the vermin that he doesn't exist, and it is difficult for anyone to fight when they don't know whom they're fighting or that they're even supposed to be fighting. Our task is far from being easy, but we must always remember that it is worth doing. I look forward to sharing my diabolical wisdom with all of you, and even more to the time when you will put that wisdom to work on Earth.

Class dismissed.


	2. Wants and Needs

Chapter 2: Wants and Needs

Disclaimer: I don't own _The Screwtape Letters_, but I hope I can give it a good tribute.

Good morning, class.

I think to start off our lessons today we should take a closer look at our prey. Human beings, Homo sapiens, mankind, hairless monkeys. Those pathetic, half conscious little roaches that currently infest a world that is rightfully ours. The first time I saw them, I thought the Enemy must be insane to create such absurd beings. Even when I was still in the field as a practicing tempter, I would look at my patients and ask myself "What was He thinking?" No doubt Our Father felt the same way when he decided to withdraw his support from the Enemy.

At first glance, such abominable little parasites seem hardly worth attention, but this shows how truly insidious the Enemy's design is. He likes to hide importance and beauty inside insignificance and plainness. Like geodes; on the surface they're plain ugly rocks, inside they're full of beautiful crystals. Humans are like that. Inside each of them He's planted seeds of thoughts and feelings that later bloom into honesty, creativity, kindness, love, brilliance, passion, bravery, humility, and other disgusting things. Whether they know it (or like it) or not, most of the personal traits they like, pursue and emulate are traits that the Enemy approves of and possesses Himself. He's put a lot of Himself into their creation, which is just another reason to destroy them.

Even without great sin, the habits of the modern human being are a laughable sight. The emphasis on clothes for example, their notion that the things they use to cover their nakedness are of such Earth shattering importance. They'll spend themselves into a hole buying the newest fashion, designer labels and outrageously expensive clothes that are so flimsy they'll fall apart in the washing machine. Of course even after they spend a fortune on one thing, the fashion changes so something "new and improved" comes out. It's always got to be "new and improved" because humans are afflicted with an insatiable need for novelty. A colleague of mine labeled this "the horror of the same old thing." They always need something new, and if they get the new thing, soon it will be replaced with something even more new.

Of course they want these things, but we teach them not to say, "I want it." We teach them to say, "I need it." This usually works because this kind of human rarely truly _needs_ anything. They do indeed need food, clothes and a place to live, but they don't need only the finest food, the most expensive clothes, or a six-story house with a pool and a six-car garage. A person who hasn't eaten in a week and a half doesn't care what he eats, just that he eats at all. Cars are another example of a "need" that is turned into a "want." A car is just a means of transportation, no different than a horse or donkey was back in the old days. All humans that lived before they invented cars had to walk everywhere, unless they could afford a horse or donkey, and though distance is nothing to spirits like us, to humans walking anywhere a great distance away is no simple feat. Those vermin would've given their right arms for a means of transportation like the automobile.

You must convince them that a car's purpose is not just getting the hairless monkeys from point A to point B. Transportation must be viewed as incidental. The "true" reason for them to own a car is status. The type of car they drive in today's world is regarded as if it were a trophy they had won, so they must always put appearance first. Always make them preoccupied with color, speed or extra features of the car. Never let them give serious thought to whether or not the car has good mileage, if it's fuel efficient, or how much it costs to own, maintain and repair. You can persuade your patients to buy cars that are hunks of junk because they thought it looked, as the humans say, "kick ass."

Even nonessential items are turned from wants into needs. Items of communication or entertainment are fine examples. Television, computers, cell phones, and the like. Here again we see their desire for novelty. Once again, these things are not evil in and of themselves, but we can twist them to serve us. At this very moment, thousands of humans are spending more than they can afford on these things that aren't necessary to keep them alive. The Enemy lets them have things that aren't essential to their survival because it makes them happy. Yes, it's repulsive isn't it? These humans could learn from our method of keeping things to the basics and a total lack of leisure. But then, why would we want those little wretches to improve themselves? But I digress. As I was saying, these devices are all used to keep the humans entertained or communicating. Cell phones are now used to reach anyone at any given time, and worse it gives them a way to call for help if they can't get to a regular phone. Computers let them talk to other humans across the world and give them access to all the information about their history, their sciences, their philosophy, their technology and everything they could ever need to know about the Enemy. Television is a vile hybrid of communication and entertainment, it tells them what's happening in the world and it shows them programs that amuse them. And all of these things can in some way allow them access to that repugnant force called music.

I know, all this sounds depressing, but now the fun part. Just as with clothes, these devices have been infected by humans' need for things to be new and improved. A regular television set and a VCR isn't enough anymore. Now the humans need 600 channels, a built in DVD player, TiVo, pay-per-view, satellite dishes, surround sound system, and a big plasma screen. Cell phones need expensive gadgets like wallpapers, ringtones, GPS, digital camera, games, internet access, text messaging and it has to be so small it can fit in their shirt pocket. Computers can be twisted to many uses, but I'll save that for another class. But, you see what we have here? A whole set of humans that are constantly looking for any new version of something or some new feature for an existing item. The corporate bigwigs rightly named these humans consumers, they see something new being offered and they consume it. Never content with what they have, always snatching up new things, this class of consumers is being consumed by their own wants.

They can never be happy with what they have when something new is dangled in front of them. In the past this was called envy or greed, today it's called "keeping up with the times." This idea of "keeping up with the times" goes deeper than just mere greed and horror of the same old thing. Through advertisements and society we make them feel they're inferior because they don't have the newest things, thus we attack their self-esteem and feed their pride at the same time. This kind of thinking is seen in human schools; if you don't have the newest video game system then you're not cool. They feel inadequate because they don't have the new things other people have, but once they have it, it will be replaced before they know it. The best thing is some of these idiots don't even really want the things they spend a fortune on, they just buy it because it's expected of them to have it. They buy it to make themselves acceptable in their friends' eyes, but after a while they look at it and can't remember why they even got it in the first place.

One thing you must keep them from doing is letting them buy things they want, not because it's new or in style, but just because they like it. In the first place, any natural enjoyment is always to be avoided because natural phenomenon is not on our side. Secondly, if a human indulges in something that he or she really likes just because he or she really likes it, there's a hidden danger. These loathsome creatures know the difference between what they actually want and what we _want_ them to want. If a human enjoys something for its own sake with no thought to what others say, that shows a self-forgetfulness and a lack of being easily swayed by others' opinions. If a human can enjoy a book, a movie or anything else without caring about other opinions, that means he might be prone to considering the Enemy without being affected by other humans' disapproval. This vile mix of self-confidence and humility is an obstacle that even some of our most decorated tempters have had trouble breaking through.

The other thing you must never allow under any circumstances is to let the humans view their possessions as just things. You must always get them to view them as things that they can't do without, not as things that they just enjoy having. You must get your subjects to think their possessions are as much a part of them as their hands and feet. The Enemy frowns upon this dislocated set of values. If humans like this are involved in a car accident, they must be concerned only about the damage done to their car and how much it will cost them to fix it, never if anyone was injured in the accident. If their house burns down, never let them be glad that noone was hurt, just distressed on the fact that their precious things have been destroyed. Get them to be concerned with their things first, and the safety of themselves and others second. Once a human sees that his things are superfluous bits of matter and that life (their own or others') as truly important, it's a serious setback.

We have an advantage when it comes to material possessions. We've tricked them into thinking the Enemy doesn't want them to have what they want. That's not true, sadly. He tells the vermin that if they seek Him first and seek to serve and be more like Him above all else, He'll give them the keys to His Kingdom _and_ everything else! He's not saying they can't have what they want; just that they need to prioritize so that the Enemy and helping others is the first thing they want. What a ludicrous concept! It's bad enough knowing the ones who we've failed to catch are happy in Heaven, but seeing them happy on Earth even when we have access to them is enough to make me heave. Materialism is a powerful tool, but we can't become complacent. To make materialism work, we need to get the vermin to be complacent.

Class dismissed.


	3. Caught In The Net

Chapter 3: Caught In The Net

Good morning, class.

I said in our last class that I would save my lesson on computers for another day, so now I'll show you how one of the humans' greatest inventions can be put to use for our cause. Computers are one of the most complex and useful of all human inventions. They create and store information, they send messages to other computers, and they are some way or another keeping human civilization running. They are in essence, the synthetic equivalent of the human brain, and if something happens in the brain, it can affect the whole body.

Computers have by and large replaced the typewriter, more emails are being sent now than regular mail, are more efficient at storing information than file cabinets; and thus they are of great help to their work. But like all things the humans make to improve how they live their lives, we can corrupt it. For our purposes, computers are just a means to an end. Computers are doorways into a medium of human interaction that we have capitalized on brilliantly: the Internet.

As I said in our last class, the Internet gives the vermin access to all the information they could ever need about anything. Everything they could ever need to know about everything they could ever need to know is at their fingertips. Not to mention the chat rooms and message boards that allows humans to discuss about a million different things. The Internet is a veritable hotbed of learning and socializing; or at least it would be if it weren't for our work. They call it "the net" or "the web" because it connects humans across the planet together, but they forget that nets and webs are also things you get caught in.

To distract the humans from all this information, we've used our human resources to put in things to draw their focus onto something else. We've had the patients that are more under our control set up web sites full of pictures and videos of pornography. Of all the things we use to distract humans, pleasures of the flesh remains among the most efficient. Even walking down the street, if a human sees a man or woman that they find attractive, their attention will immediately leave whatever they were previously considering and become focused on the attractive person. We've loaded the Internet with millions of sites that specialize in showing them naked pictures and movies with people having sex. Even humans who aren't in the porn business put up videos of themselves stripping or having sex on what they call "blogs". Against this forbidden fruit, what chance does the complete works of Aristotle have to get their attention? If they don't fall for our distractions and do start looking online for things they like or things they need, you might want to get their computers infected with a virus. Computer viruses, what a wonderful invention, and they usually hide in such alluring sites. Just like diseases like HIV or Herpes can hide in actual intercourse. You'd think these dimwitted beasts would stay away from something that could affect them or their devices like that, but we keep them ignoring the consequences and keep coming back for more.

Even without appealing to their animal breeding urges, we still have other tactics to use the so-called information superhighway to our advantage. One such advantage of these humans communicating like this is the fact that they are being exposed to so many different opinions. Knowledge has always been a double edge sword. They can access any information they want, but both the Enemy and us have vested interests in what information they're looking at. If they're studying poetry or music then we want to put a stop to it immediately, but if they're reading white supremacist rhetoric or the supposed "proof" that there is no God then the Enemy wants them to look at something else. We've flooded the Internet with such wonderful information. The web is filled with sites that preach our doctrines. We've flooded their major communication system with so many half-truths, innuendoes, propaganda, rhetoric, bias opinions, character assassinations, conjecture, mistakes, generalizations, jargon and bald faced lies that most vermin who, as they say, "serf the web" don't know what to believe. We've turned the Internet into the misinformation superhighway.

You all will notice that there is a strong atheist presence on the Internet. There are many sites that attest to the nonexistence of the Enemy, be it scientifically or philosophically. They are also the majority on many message boards and chat rooms. Sadly, not all of them make a big deal about whether or not the Enemy exists, but since others do, it doesn't matter if one or two don't make a big deal of it. The point is, since there are such a presence of nonbelievers and atheistic arguments in the Internet, we have an advantage. There is something in the humans' psyche that makes them more ready to accept something in writing is true. You've seen in our educational films that there are humans who are more ready to believe anything someone else says if it's all officially written down in books. There are parents for example, that follow that Dr. Spock fellow's ideas so thoroughly they can't imagine _not_ using his methods. So if something is written that says the Enemy doesn't exist in a convincing enough way, the humans will eat it up. And since, as I previously stated, the Internet is full of conflicting opinions and information, it plants the seeds of doubt. What better way to make a Christian doubt their faith than letting them see a host of people saying, _in writing_, that belief in the Enemy is hogwash?

Even when not pertaining to the Enemy, Internet conversations can become arguments in less than a minute. As I said, this system of connected computers allows them to talk with people all over the world, and thus we can connect with them too. The Internet is the new melting pot; it brings humans of all kinds together talking about things they have in common. If different people are being brought together because things they all like, our job is, find things to drive them apart. You must bring the focus onto other subjects, sore subjects. Always try to turn any discussion into an argument. Even if they are virtual friendships, any time we can turn them against each other is a victory. All it takes is a word in the wrong place, a joke at the wrong time, and two vermin will be typing insults to one another for hours. They argue over everything from philosophy to what TV is better. These arguments can be full of vitriol thanks to another impulse in the human mind: The "I'm right" supposition. The "I'm right" supposition is the frame of mind that makes humans believe that whatever they happen to think is true and that any person or theory who disagrees with them is stupid, ignorant, or insane. The thing I love about the "I'm right" supposition is it's most common among humans who say that other people should be more open-minded and less judgmental. There are even humans on the net that require no provocation whatever to verbally attack others. They intentionally insult other people and get into fights for no reason but to annoy others. These are called "trolls", and they are of use to us. They're mischief-makers, and Hell loves mischief-makers. The vermin have the opportunity to socialize, but that doesn't stop us from ruining it.

Humans are now able to go shopping online, which is good, because the less they're out and around actual human beings the better. Humans are easier to pick off when they're isolated. The vermin do it to save on gas money they use driving around looking for something, and of course not having to deal with those stupid employees. Bottom line though is that now the class of consumers I told you about in the last class now have a new venue to consume new things. And with every new way of doing something there's a new _wrong_ way to do it. Credit card fraud, identity theft, illegal music downloading, the list of crimes goes on and on. As usual, humans can be persuaded to do something easy instead of doing what's right or honest. They want something they want for free, but nothing's free, even the Enemy says that. They may be able to receive the Enemy's gift of salvation with no cost to them, but it sure cost _Him_ a lot to give them that chance.

The thing I love most about the Internet isn't what's on it, but _who_ is on it. We've got plenty of patients waiting on the web to catch a fly. So many stalkers, so many potential victims, and so little time. They talk with other humans but have no idea who they're really talking to. That's the beauty of talking online, you can say whatever you want without anyone ever finding out if it's true. Humans put pictures of themselves on the net, but not all of them are real. A 10-year-old boy can say he's 25 and most people would never know, likewise a 50-year-old man could say he was a teenager and nobody could know it wasn't true. I remember an amusing, though unfortunately nonviolent instance where a teenage boy met a girl online and he sent her a fake picture of himself as a handsome young businessman. The girl sent him a very sexy picture of herself back, and they set up a meeting. Imagine the surprise when he found out the woman's picture wasn't her real picture, and that the girl he had arranged a meeting with was his MOTHER! I know it's amusing, but not our kind of amusement. But here's one you'll all like: Another young boy arranged a meeting with a woman met online, and this woman _did_ look like her picture. Unfortunately for him, the woman was a patient of mine. They rented a motel room and they fornicated. It was the best night of his life, and the last. She slit his throat while he was asleep. He wasn't the first or the last one she killed under my guidance. Yes, I thought you'd all enjoy that story. I'm happy to say that both the boy and my patient are now safe in Our Father's House.

So, let's review. Through the Internet, we can immerse the humans in a sea of lust, disbelief, conflict, petty crime, deception, and other kinds of trouble. More human cockroaches do their socializing online than in the real world. But actually, the Internet _is_ the world. You should all know from past lessons that the world doesn't refer to the actual planet Earth. The planet is just a hunk of rock and water; the _world_ is all of human society. The planet is natural and takes no sides in the war, but the world has been our ally since the fall of man. The Enemy Himself warns the vermin in His Book that the world is full of wickedness, and thanks to the Internet, we can expose them to the world without them ever leaving their homes. Some parents have realized this however and removed their Internet connection. This removes the temptation, but it also cuts them off from all that knowledge we try to distract them from. For some humans, the Internet is the only exposure they get to the Enemy's message, so if these mortals are cut off from the web they're cut off from Him. Either they go online and are exposed to our pitfalls, or they shut it off and shut themselves off from the virtual society. This reclusive behavior is seen in real life too; humans who don't go out into the world don't usually get hurt, but they don't usually help others much either. Damned if you do and damned if you don't, our kind of dilemma.

The Internet has its dangers however. There are countless sites about the Enemy, as well as all that knowledge it contains. This is dangerous in and of itself because it leads the humans to thinking. If you want to get a good hold on the humans you're assigned to, keep them from doing serious thinking. In fact that's something to keep in mind in general, not just as computers.

Class dismissed.


	4. Hell's Darkest Day

Chapter 4: Hell's Darkest Day

Disclaimer: I don't own _The Screwtape Letters_, and nobody owns Jesus or the story of His death and resurrection.

Good morning, class.

I see you all are as depressed as I am that we're coming up on the humans' celebration of the Enemy's Resurrection. I know it's a discouraging time, but we must continue with our lessons. In fact, today we'll be studying that painful subject. I know it's a difficult subject to talk about, but you young fiends are old enough to deal with this.

About 2,000 years ago, the Enemy became human. Yeah, I know how ridiculous it sounds. When I heard the news from High Command, I thought there was a communications mix up. It wasn't until I saw Him in the Temple that I believed it. The next few decades were a nightmare. The sermons, the healings, the miracles, the souls saved, the establishment of the faith, it was crazy. I remember seeing our soldiers being sent back from Earth after being evicted from their possessions; the Legion was particularly outraged because they were His only eviction that was named in the Book. Our Father himself tried tempting the Enemy, but He refused at every turn. He even rejected his offer power over the whole Earth for the paltry price of bowing to him. I all ready thought He wasn't right in the head for creating the human vermin, but that just proved to me He really is crazy.

Our whole operation was going to Heaven in a handbasket. That's when Our Father Below masterminded the plot to be rid of the Enemy once and for all. He led a cadre of the greatest tempters Hell had to offer and launched an assault on two fronts that should have been in the Enemy's stronghold: the religious leaders and one of His own disciples. Judas was a fool who thought the Enemy should lead a war and drive out the Romans, which is exactly what any rational leader should do: kill and conquer. The Pharisees were a lot of hypocrites who ruled through fear and were ruled by fear themselves, replacing the Enemy's teachings with empty rituals and dogma. They were all perfect instruments and have since joined us here below.

It was so easy, get the Enemy arrested and executed by misusing the human laws. All Hell watched as the Enemy was arrested and brought before the Pharisees. False accusations and manufactured evidence was laid against Him, and He just answered with the truth. But of course truth has nothing to do with justice if Our Father Below has anything to say about it. He was found guilty, beaten and sentenced to death; oh I remember how we grinned and chuckled seeing fists smash into His face. They took him to the Roman governor, Pilate, so he could be crucified under Roman law. Unfortunately, Pilate wasn't part of the plan. He sent Him to be tried by King Herod under Jewish law. We knew Herod could be worked into the plan, after all he did get rid of that blasted John fellow. The meeting with Herod was a farce, we easily got him to send the Enemy back to Pilate.

Pilate, the worm that he was, wasn't ready to have Him killed. At the time, they released a prisoner in celebration of Passover, so Pilate offered to set the Enemy free. Our Father masterfully worked the crowd into a frenzy, demanding some other obscure vermin be free instead of the Enemy. Still, Pilate tried to weasel out of it. He said that he wouldn't kill the Enemy, just have him flogged. I tell you, class, when we heard that, our cheers eclipsed the wailing of the damned souls. All this courtroom drama and humiliation the Enemy was put through was fine, but finally we got to see some blood. Oh, I remember seeing the whips rend His flesh and the sting getting worse with each lash, it was glorious. And then when the soldiers stuck that crown of thorns on His head I couldn't stop laughing.

The Enemy was brought out again, beaten and broken. Pilate hoped that the Pharisees would be satisfied, but Our Father wasn't going to settle for anything less than death. Pilate gave in, let the crucifixion be ordered, and then "washed his hands" of the whole thing. The Enemy had to carry that big cross through the town up to the hill, and He kept falling again and again from the pain and exhaustion. It was amusing, but most of us were waiting for the real fun to begin.

When He finally got up to the hill, we finally got to see what we'd waited for since Our Father's plan began: the Enemy nailed to a cross, bleeding, humiliated, alone, and dying. We even felt the absence of the Enemy's Father and Spirit as He hung there. We took this to mean only one thing: we had won. The other two parts of the Enemy had vanished and when the Son died we would finally take back what was ours. Hour after hour, we watched the life drain out of Him, laughing at His pain and waiting for His death to finally come. Then the Enemy said, "It is finished." and died. Every demon in Hell was silent in that moment. We almost couldn't believe it was really over. And then, we cheered and laughed and celebrated. Our Father returned to Hell with his assault team in a parade of triumph. We've long spread the lie among humans that Hell is a party, well, for those two days Hell _was_ a party. Well, it was a party for _us_ at least, the souls still felt the burn. I remember seeing the earthquakes, the storms, the Enemy's body hanging limp and lifeless on the cross, it was magnificent. He was dead, and soon the Earth, Heaven and the whole universe would be conquered and Our Father Below would take his rightful place as the god of all.

And then, on the third day it all came crashing down. On the morning of the third day, we felt a shockwave of power that rocked all of Hell, down to the very throne itself. I was part of the team that was sent to Earth to investigate, and what we found was worse than anything we could imagine. The air was thick with impenetrable celestial fog that blinded and scalded us. Still don't know how we did it, but we made it to the source of this deadly holiness, the tomb where they put the Enemy's body. I saw two human females being told by two of the other side's messengers that the Enemy had risen from the dead. My comrades and I were bewildered; we were desperately hoping that this was just some Enemy trick to throw us off, but then we saw Him! He was alive, the plan failed. We felt the Father and Spirit too, the Enemy had pulled the rug out from under us. When we returned to Hell, Our Father greeted us and he was already aware of this new development. He was confronted by the Enemy while we were on Earth and he was told that things had changed. A new covenant was set up with the human race, and Our Father's previously undisputed claim to the Earth was void. He'd beaten us, He turned our victory into a defeat that we are still trying to recover from. It was the biggest disaster in the history of Hell.

Until the Enemy returned to Heaven, we couldn't stand to be on Earth for long periods of time because of the noxious effect the Enemy's Presence has on us. When we were finally able to get back to Earth, we'd found that the Enemy had done a lot of damage. The Apostles, as they came to be called, began spreading the Enemy's Word and the new gift of salvation. We scrambled to try to recover by killing all the Enemy's followers. Rome was a great help to us in this, but still the Enemy's converts flourished. For every Christian we had killed, ten more popped up. We've been trying to stop the Enemy's message from getting through ever since, and it just keeps spreading and more vermin keep finding the Enemy.

Easter is the yearly reminder of how the Enemy made fools of us. The only consolation, and it is a very, very small consolation, is nowadays Easter is viewed more as a time for baskets full of colored eggs, chocolate rabbits, marshmallow chicks, jellybeans and plastic grass. Admittedly, there's nothing evil about candy or the fairy tale about the Easter Bunny, but it's better the humans think about those things than for them to consider what the Enemy did for them and what effect it has on their souls. I know, this class has been very depressing, but cheer up cause we still have our chance for victory. Even now, you're training is making you all ready to go up to Earth and lead the humans to eternal damnation. What better way to make up for our defeat and make the Enemy's death meaningless than to bring humans here when they don't have to be here?

Class dismissed.

Author's note: Remember this is written from a demon's perspective so try not to get offended.


	5. The Periodic Table

Good morning, class

Chapter 5: The Periodic Table

Disclaimer: C.S. Lewis owns it, I'm just borrowing his concept.

Good morning, class.

Today, we'll be examining the periodic table. Sin is broken down into basic elements, just as on Earth everything is broken down into basic chemical elements. Young humans would envy you young fiends if they saw our table of elements. In their schools, they have to memorize 117 elements, while you only have to memorize seven. The humans have heard of the infernal periodic table, but they call it something else. They call it the Seven Deadly Sins. Pride, lust, gluttony, greed, wrath, sloth and envy.

First: lust. Do not confuse lust with mere sexual desire as humans do. Lust is not simply sexual desire, it is the misuse of sexual desire. The Enemy gave them the urges so the desire might turn into love and lead to procreation and happiness. However, we can to turn it into things the Enemy never intended. For starters, you must remove any real affection from the desire. Sex that is just pleasure without love is abhorrent to the Enemy, and leaves the humans feeling unsatisfied. Masturbation and sex with strangers or prostitutes ultimately leaves the humans feeling unfulfilled compared with the feeling that accompanies sex with one they love.

Second, more is less. You will find modern humans are obsessed with sex. Thanks to our guidance, they now believe that a normal human should go out and have sex with many different people in the course of their lives. The younger adults in their twenties are especially like this because their hopped up on hormones, adrenaline, and the liberation of reaching adulthood. There are humans who brag about being able to "score some tail" (I can never get over the ridiculousness of human slang) almost every night, as if the only way to prove their normality is in how often they fornicate. All the media is full of sexy images and messages, further inflaming their libidos and appetites. To say nothing of the fact that almost everything they say can be twisted into a sexual innuendo. Of all the primary elements, you'll find lust is one of the easiest for humans to succumb to.

Next we have greed. Greed and lust are alike in that they are hungers for certain things, the difference is lust is only hunger for sex while greed is hunger for many different things. Greed is the desire of a self to increase its own holdings and reach of control. Wanting something isn't greed, everybody wants something. There are two facets of greed: wanting something with no thought as to how it's acquired and the unending desire for more and more of something. So we have "at any cost" greed and "endless increasing" greed. Both have their strong points.

An example of the "at any cost" greed is when a human uses money to buy something for himself even though the money was intended to pay a bill or buy a gift for a loved one. Another would be if a human can't afford something he or she wants and decides to steal money to get it or to simply steal the object of their desire itself. The "at any cost" greed is best seen in some big corporations that use dishonest and hazardous tactics to make money; they've provided us with some real entertainment. The "endless increasing" greed is the more common and overlooked greed. It's common among all classes of society from the rich man who buys a new yacht every week to the 9 to 5 wage slave who keeps buying more and more new fishing equipment. It is especially common in children, always wanting new toys or treats.

We turn our attention now to the element of envy. The inability of a self to be happy with what it has when it sees something it doesn't have. I've always viewed envy as the little brother of greed. Greed is all consuming hunger, but envy is a hunger for a particular thing, it's more focused than greed. Envy gnaws at a being's insides when it sees something it wants and does not have. It also blinds humans to their current blessings in favor of a thing they don't possess, thus making them complacent and we can work wonders with complacent humans.

Envy is one of the few sins that are unpleasant to feel. Envy by definition is unhappy, if the one who is envious becomes happy it is because he is not envious anymore. Greed can be satiated some times, but envy can never be satisfied without ceasing to be. Envy begets bitterness with ease. Mortals can grow to hate people who have something they don't; I've seen it happen a million times before. People can even wish misfortune on the human they envy, that they would lose the envied item or quality or just suffer in some way. So, through envy we can draw them away from the Enemy and make them miserable at the same time, what a great deal!

Now we examine gluttony. You will find that, for the most part, humans have forgotten about gluttony. Primarily, gluttony is thought to refer to excess of food and drink, but it goes much further than that. Mere overindulgence of food is common, in fact you should've known about long before you were ever enrolled in this college. The more obtuse forms of gluttony are of better use. The gluttony of delicacy for example; the humans' desire for food to be just right. Delicacy gluttons are obsessed with the way their food is prepared or the particular type of food they want. For example, in high-class restaurants you'll see people spending hundreds of dollars on tiny plates of goose liver and fish eggs.

Though there is an epidemic of obesity on Earth, don't limit yourselves to food when it comes to gluttony. Over indulgence of anything is gluttony. It would never occur to alcoholics, chain smokers or drug addicts that they're indulging in gluttony. Neither would it occur to the class of humans we've discussed before called consumers that they're gluttons, even though the word "consumer" reeks of gluttony. The consumer class is enslaved to compulsive buying, though they don't recognize this as what it really is since most think gluttony only pertains to food. Another facet of gluttony is indulging just because the indulgence is perceived as important. This is seen in the consumer need to buy the newest fads and trends, attending expensive schools for the sake of prestige or status instead of academic value, and buying expensive furs or jewelry.

Up next is wrath. Wrath is the feeling of uncontrolled anger and hatred. Wrath, like lust, is unbelievably easy for humans to fall into. Wrath is not mere anger because anger is not evil. All beings become angry, even the Enemy can be angered; wrath is when the anger consumes the patient. Anger can quickly become wrath depending on the personality of the human afflicted with it. Many humans are quick to anger, quick to swear and threaten and rant and rave. You know the type; they have little to no patience, and once angered all other parts of their minds will take a back seat to their rage. They'll beat their spouse or children or bully people who are weaker than them or who are in their employ. For humans who aren't easily angered, the best way to inspire wrath is to continuously pile on stress and minor irritations. They don't fly into a rage over a stubbed toe here and there, but they will if they experience a string of continuous annoyance. All humans have a breaking point, just like the camel whose back broke from a single straw. One too many flat tires, one too many rude comments from other people, one too many phone calls at bad times or one too many stubbed toes and they'll snap. The snap can just be a shouting match or sometimes violence.

Wrath also pertains to hatred. Anger turns to hate like clockwork. Hate of a certain person or certain type of people can result in many delightful things. Many times it can result in assaults or murders, as demonstrated by incidents like the holocaust or the Columbine massacre. If we can't nurture the hate to result in bloodshed, we can at least make the hate impenetrable. Even without violence, a case of adamant, unshakable, unreasonable hate is a joy to Hell. Many humans go their whole lives hating someone or something. A human can hold a grudge against someone who wronged him forever, and likewise a human can hate a whole set of humans based on skin color, place of birth, religion, or preference of a sports team. The differences are of course unimportant, but we can blind them to that fact.

Now, we take a look at sloth. The sin of apathy and laziness. Sloth is a sin that the humans don't pay much attention to nowadays. With the hustle and bustle in their society, the idea of humans finding the time to be lazy is absurd to many of them. One of the more noticeable examples of sloth is a human who avoid all responsibility and duties. This type of human lives with another person and lets that person do all the work paying the bills, while he or she stays at home lazing around the house. Drugs add to this kind of sloth because this sloth can make the vermin bored but still not wish to actually do anything. With alcohol and drugs they can just continue to sit around doing nothing and let the chemicals seep through their veins and make them feel good. Why should they actually try to do something with the short span of time on Earth the Enemy gave them when they can just sit back and get drunk or high? With this kind of sloth, keep in mind the old saying that idle hands are Our Father's workshop.

Though this laziness is delightful, apathy is even better for our large-scale work. It's one of the sentiments Hell likes best: I don't care. Apathy is the total lack of resistance to us, our works, and Our Father Below. They don't usually connect apathy with sloth because their concept of sloth is limited to the laziness I just went over, whereas apathy can occur even when they're working. One of the ways of being apathetically slothful is when a human does only just enough to get by when they could do so much better. You see this in schools with students slacking off homework, letting themselves pass as a C average student when they could get straight A's. At jobs you'll notice vermin clock watchers who procrastinate, take long breaks, take long times talking to each other, doing the lowest possible amount of work they need to do. This kind of sloth is rewarding because they are actively wasting the skills and talents the Enemy gave them. "Doing a half assed job" is the term they apply to this kind of sloth. They know they'll never go anywhere if they have no ambition, but thanks to sloth of apathy they still won't care. The more wide spread damage is done by apathy than laziness. If they don't resist evil, it allows us to flourish. Most of the really great and more entertaining atrocities happened because some humans could have stopped them and didn't. Some human said "Evil triumphs when good men do nothing." I couldn't have said it better myself.

And finally, the sweetest of all: pride. This is the greatest and yet most basic of all sins. Pride makes humans think they are suns when they are really moons. The Enemy is the center of spiritual gravity, and all else is revolving in His hold as the planets are in the orbit of the sun. Pride makes them think that _they_ are the center of gravity. Pride is the spiritual equivalent of the antiquated human idea that Earth was the center of the universe and that the sun revolved around it. Pride was one of the reasons Our Father rebelled against the Enemy. Though there is one big difference between his pride and the humans' pride: he has a reason to be proud, the humans don't. He is the Morning Star, the Prince and Power of the Air, the greatest and most glorious of all the Enemy's creations. He left the Enemy's orbit and became a power greater than any sun: a black hole. Against this, what do humans have to be proud of? The ability to sneeze, get pimples, get sick, have bad breath, grow old and die and the invention of the wheel, sliced bread, Velcro, reality television, fake vomit, Tupperware, lava lamps, and dental floss. Oh my, how _very_ impressive.

Self-love is the prime element of evil. Would a human seek to gain money, power, vengeance or sex if he thought he didn't deserve it? Of course not. Look at the other six elements: "I want more than this. I want sex. I want what that guy has. I want more food. I am angry with you. I don't want to do anything." Notice the constant in all of them? "_I_ want this, _I _want that." I, I, I, me, me, me. The inability of a self to see beyond its own desires. If a human believes that all he needs to be concerned with is himself, then you can convince him to do anything. Why help other people? They never did anything for you. Why shouldn't you steal? The rules don't apply to you. Why ask the Enemy for forgiveness? You don't need to answer to anyone. See? Once they think that they're the only person in the world that matters, they practically have one foot in Hell. For if they only care about themselves, when they die all they'll have is themselves and they'll have to live alone with themselves for all eternity.

Don't bother raising your hands. I know what you're going ask. "Why are there only seven? What about lying? What about murder? What about rape? What about stealing?" Every time I introduced a class to the periodic tables, I've heard the same questions. The answer is simple. The sins on the periodic table are the most basic sins. All other sins are in some way products of the seven elements.

You will note that most sins besides these seven are actions. Most sins are things you do. You tell a lie, you steal money, and you kill somebody. You see? Actions. But look at the periodic table. See the difference? These aren't actions, they're feelings, they're thoughts. They are motives. Other sins can be controlled, some even by their manmade laws, but these can't be shut out completely because they are in the mind. These are the building blocks for all other sins. If you know the elements and really examine sins, you will clearly see that all are in some way based upon one or more of these seven. You look skeptical. Very well, I shall demonstrate.

We'll start with lying since it is the native language of Hell. Why would a human lie? A human could lie about himself or herself to impress another human. Why would a human what to impress another? One reason could be they need to get money from them, which means the human liar is afflicted with envy or greed. A human could lie to make the opposite sex want to copulate with it, so a lie could be motivated by lust. Many humans have lied to their employers or friends so they could sleep in on days they had to be at work or do something with the friends. Sounds like sloth, doesn't it? If a vermin lied to someone they were angry at, with the express purpose of misguiding him, then the lie is the result of wrath. I human could lie about not having enough to eat so some humans would pity them and give them food, obviously this is gluttony. And of course, they could lie just to make themselves look good, which of course equals pride.

Rape by its nature would automatically be a product of lust, but it's not limited to that. The misguided rapes that happen out of sexual desire are common. You know the old song and dance of vermin who they have feelings for who don't want to have sex or elicit sex with underage humans. This is the result of perverted lust or a combination of lust and obsession being mistaken for love. However, the lion's share of rapes are motivated by wrath and pride. This kind of rape isn't so much a result of their breeding instincts, as it is a result of rage and the feeling of power the act gives the rapist. The rapist is driven by some deep-seated anger and hatred of himself, the opposite sex, the world, and so on. This act is the attempt of these humans to take control of things. They deal with their anger by taking it out on someone else in a way that is the most degrading and hurtful.

Stealing, like lying, can be caused by any or all of the basic elements. When a human hears about a theft, they automatically associate it with envy and greed, as is often the case. But that's a limited view. Humans have been known to steal to hurt another person, like stealing money they need for paying bills or rent; in that case, it would be out of spite, and spite equals wrath. A human could steal money or food because he would rather steal than work to earn it, and that is sloth. They could steal something because they think "the rules don't apply to me." Obviously that is pride.

The reasons humans come up with to kill other humans are varied and delightful, but all within the spectrum of the seven basic sins. Humans kill each other over money all the time, so greed is obvious. Lust is shown in all the murders and suicides that come about from abusive spouses, jealous suitors, and obsessed stalkers. They readily kill another human they feel has something that they don't deserve; a promotion that they've been waiting for, love of a woman they've wanted longer, a position of power, you name it and their envy will drive them to bloodshed. You're no doubt thinking, "How can sloth drive them to murder?" Well, class, it's true they my not be willing to kill for the sake of lying around watching TV, but if they know that there's been a murder and don't do anything about it, that is apathy and thus sloth. Some humans just decide to kill because of the rush they get from it; the feeling of power from knowing that they just destroyed a life. It makes them feel like gods and that is exactly what pride is.

There will be further study of the periodic table in the rest of the year. So study up and… Oh! I almost forgot. Beginning today, you all will be subjected to torture. It's not the usual fire and brimstone, it's much worse. This method of torture was created specially for human youngsters. It's a mind numbing, soul crushing torment from the deepest pits of Hell. The mere mention of it fills the hearts of young humans with unspeakable dread. It is that most gruesome of Hell's innovations: homework. That's right, homework. I'm assigning you all to write a 5,000-word essay on each of the seven sin elements. You will write it by hand, if I see you've typed it, you'll get detention. You will write your essays on these papers I've put on your desks. This paper is special; if you misspell a word or use incorrect punctuation or grammar, the paper will erase all you've written and you will have to start all over again. I want those essays on my desk tomorrow. Anyone who doesn't turn in an essay will get detention, and you know what detention with Mr. Eelbolt is like.

Why are you looking at me like that? Are you expecting me to feel sympathy for you? Are you going to tell me I'm being too hard on you? You forget where you are. You are in school and you are in Hell. Did you really think you weren't going to suffer? It's part of your training. You must suffer so that when you're on Earth you'll be fueled by rage and bitterness. It adds incentive to your work. Not only will you be motivated by duty to Our Father, hatred of the Enemy, and desire to devour the vermin's souls, you'll want your patients to experience all the humiliation, degradation, frustration and pain you had to endure in your youth. Besides, it will give you satisfaction knowing the souls you capture will be tormented worse than you ever were. Oh, and by the way, I do not appreciate that sniveling look you gave me when I announced the assignment. It was disgustingly reminiscent of looks I've seen on human faces. Just for that, your essays must now be 10,000 words long and I still expect them on my desk tomorrow. If I hear one word out of any of you I'll make it 20,000.

Class dismissed.


	6. Normal Abnormality

Chapter 6: Normal Abnormality

Disclaimer: I don't own it, C.S. Lewis does. Oh and apologies to anybody whose name is Carl Johnson.

Good morning, class.

I see you've all turned in your essays. Good, I was wondering if any of you were going to pull out that pathetic old excuse of "My hellhound ate my homework." If human teachers, blind and stupid creatures they are, don't buy that rubbish, a devil of my intellect and experience certainly won't. Frankly that old excuse really disappoints me. You'd think even the greenest most inexperienced devil could come up with a better lie than that. Shameful.

Well, today we'll be watching a film showing the day-to-day life of a modern human being. The subject in this film was a patient of one of the College's most esteemed graduates, the venerable and fiendish Cankergaunt. Being the hunters he is, Cankergaunt records his work on this human for study to better know his prey, and has since donated several reels to the College to help young demons see what they'll be working with. The specimen in this film is a man in his mid 30's named Carl Johnson. He has a wife, two children, a dog, he was a clerk at his office, and by human standards he lived a completely normal life. Plungus, get the lights.

Now, let's watch.

We begin in the early morning on the most hated day of the week, Monday. The delightful piercing noise you hear in the background is the human device known as the alarm clock. I've long suspected that the human pest who invented the alarm clock was under the guidance of someone in the Department of Torment. It's brilliant in its simplicity; every day this infernal machine tears millions of humans from a natural state of peace so they can begin their daily hardships. It's their warden waking them for their daily duty at the rock pile.

Not long ago, many humans had a daily ritual of interaction with their family. They'd sit down and eat breakfast together, basking in familial love and gather strength from one another to sustain them through the day. But that ritual is long gone. As you can see, even though they're all in the same room they seem to barely notice each other. Each one is wrapped up in his or her own world, preoccupied with their own problems to even see their own family. You'll also notice how irritable they all are. Most modern humans view the routine of their lives as if they were in prison, and they hate getting up and facing their "sentence", especially on Mondays, when they know that it's just beginning.

To say nothing of the meal itself, if you could even call it a meal. The days of sitting down and eating breakfast are gone thanks to the hustle and bustle of the modern world. Now they grab anything that they can to quickly eat to the way to work or school. I've seen commercials for those human breakfast cereals that say "Part of this complete well balanced breakfast." Well, the well-balanced breakfast is now a thing of the past. Now they consider it a big breakfast if they have a bowl of Cheerios and a cup of coffee. Most of the time they just have a "Pop-Tart" or an "Egg McMuffin" or some other quickly prepared food that they rarely take enough time to enjoy. I know human food is disgusting, but please refrain from gagging.

Moving on, we see their daily commute to work. Morning traffic is a perfect opportunity to spoil their mood for the rest of the day. The streets are packed with cars all trying to get to work on time. It's a humorous sight seeing them all in a hurry to get to a place they hate going as fast as humanly possible. You notice the man keeps repeating the early morning mantra of "I'm running late!" When the humans are rushing to work, they can easily become centered on their own little lives. They curse the people in the cars around them for not going as fast as they want them to or stopping when they don't want them to, even though the people in those cars are in the same predicament they themselves are in. They can also convince themselves that any inconvenience that may hinder them from getting to work is part of a massive vendetta against them. As if all the powers of Heaven and Hell had all taken part in a grand conspiracy to get this insignificant creature stuck at a red light. The self-importance of the flesh bags is mind-boggling.

After the drive to work, their workday begins. Mr. Johnson worked as an accountant, which means he spent his days stuck in the makeshift prison cell they call a cubicle, counting and managing other people's money. You'll notice the vigor that he had when he was racing to work has vanished. Now all he's left with is a mountain of paper work and a third of the day to do it in. You can tell he hates it at his job; he's stuck in a claustrophobic little booth, doing boring repetitive tasks, and is barely staying awake from caffeine. Mornings are definitely the creatures' least favorite time of day, which is probably why most of them sleep through mornings on their days off.

Now we see his interaction with his coworkers. His boss is an overbearing control freak who piles on stress and makes condescending remarks. The woman who works near him is a gossiping blabbermouth who spends more time on the phone with her friends than with her clients and has a nasal voice that annoys him. The man who works in the cubicle next to him is an obnoxious but hard working man who irritates the patient because he does the job better than him, and you know how humans hate being shown up. In some situations, humans can become friends with their coworkers, but not in this case. In this case, Cankergaunt has this insect right where he wants him. Being surrounded by people who he dislikes, the human's patience is worn thinner by the day. His coworkers are being used to instill deep resentment and ill temper in him, which under Cankergaunt's guidance manifests at home very often.

You'll notice how he keeps glancing at the clock. He's an example of the "clock watcher" species of human. They hate their job and spend more time seeing how long they have left in their workday than doing work. Mr. Johnson is also afflicted with the sloth of apathy. He does only just enough work to get by, and spends the rest getting coffee, chatting with his friends and daydreaming. The beautiful thing is he still resents that woman who spends so much time talking on the phone, yet he is just as negligent in his job as she is. Cankergaunt is a true professional to keep his mind on his work in the midst of all this intoxicating hypocrisy.

Ever since humans first created working societies they've had to work for a living. That's still true today, but we've quickened the tempo of the situation. In their jobs now they're given more than they can do and period of time to do it in that is nowhere near long enough to get it done. Since they can't always get all their work done when they're at work, they usually have to stay at work longer or take their work home with them. When they're buried under mountains of paper work or spending hours on their feet, it's easy for them to be overwhelmed. These maggots don't have the sense of purpose and enjoyment we have in our work. In order to earn a living, they spend 8 hours a day (and in many cases, longer than that) in places they see as a preview of Hell, doing things they hate doing, surrounded by people they can't stand, desperately wishing to be anywhere but where they are. Come to think of it, it does sound a lot like Hell, doesn't it?

Now, we see my favorite time of the day: rush hour. This time of day is an even better environment to work rage into them than the early morning rush. Imagine it: millions of tired, frustrated humans finally able to go home from their day's work and they all want to get there as fast as possible, but the fact that there's so many of them on the road at one time keeps them from making any headway. They can easily become centered around their own lives without giving a damn about the people in the other cars just as in the morning rush. The difference between the two is that rush hour happens after all the hardships of their workday have been piled on their shoulders. They don't carry that baggage in the morning, but now they have all the annoyances of the day on their mind and they're stuck in traffic and there's nothing they can do about it. The best way to take advantage of this is to remind them of all the irritating things that happened to them that day. Keep them going over the embarrassing moment, the insults of a coworker, the vending machine being out of his drink of choice, and so on. The vermin love to go over the grievances against them and contemplate how the universe has played them a bad hand.

All the frustration that comes in handy when the patient gets home. When he comes through the door, you'll notice he just slumps down in the chair and puts his feet on the coffee table, even though his wife has told him many times not to put his feet on the coffee table. And yet, he still seems surprised and annoyed when she tells him to take his feet off the table. He thinks his wife is a shrew for harping on him just as he got in the door after a day working to keep a roof over their heads. Cankergaunt has clearly utilized the human capacity for neglect of the obvious to keep Mr. Johnson from realizing that she has also been at her job and had as long and hard a day as he's had. The woman's tempter has no doubt applied the same technique with her since she is thinking almost exactly the same thing about her husband. These two pests are one of countless human couples that have fallen for our trick that marriage should render the storm of emotions called "falling in love" permanent. From my past subjects, I have noted that "falling in love" is a lot more exciting than "being in love." If a human falls from a great height, they are engulfed in terror, excitement and adrenalin, which are mimicked in the rage of hormones and feelings that occurs when two humans fall in love. But after the fall is over, the excitement wears off. Being in love means more than dates and stealing kisses, it means being able to go through regular life with a person and still having these feelings even when it isn't all exhilaration. The humans mostly ignore this, however, and it makes for some very delightful anguish. This lie is how we've made it so most marriages end in divorce.

Now we see Mr. Johnson's children. He is under an assumption many parents are under: the assumption that because the children have not gotten into any real trouble he is a good parent, even though he spends little time with them and has never really talked to them except when disciplinary measures need to be taken. The parents are wrapped in their own world and the children are wrapped up in theirs, and never the twain shall meet if we can help it. It is almost impossible to find a human family anywhere who actually spend real time together that doesn't involve the television being on. Most kids don't confide in their parents about anything in their lives because they hardly have any real relationship or interaction with them. The parents don't take much notice in their children's lives because they don't want to be pushy even though many of the children want them to get involved and show they care. These types only get involved once the little maggots do something wrong and then come down hard with discipline and punishment. This drives the child away because there's little respect between them and the parents and their sudden interference seems like they're involved in a situation they know next to nothing about. "Too little, too late" is the expression, I believe. This arrangement is a tremendous advantage because without strong parental influence and even some bitterness and hatred of their parents, and by extension hate of authority, the children will be more open to our suggestions. To say nothing of the anger and despair that comes from the neglect of the parents or knowing that the parents aren't getting along.

The evening meal with the family all sitting at the table has joined the morning breakfast at the table in extinction. They mostly just shovel food into their mouths in front of the TV. Even at night with no place to hurry off to, they still just gulp down their food. This is another aspect of the element of gluttony called "Gluttony of Eager Eating." They never take the time to really savor their food, they just wolf down their food like… well like wolves. Animals eat in a hurry because other animals might steal their food from them or kill them while they eat. Humans have no such danger, yet they eat as if someone was going to steal their plate at any moment. The Enemy gave them their taste buds so they may enjoy the act of eating, but this phenomenon keeps them from really enjoying this natural pleasure.

They've finished their day and now they're going back to sleep. Resting up for the next day of misery. Plungus, turn the lights back on.

Now, I am aware that all this seems less glamorous than working on a serial killer, but remember glamour is unimportant. All that matters is bringing souls to Our Father Below. The quality of the sins is irrelevant as long as the soul is acquired. There are many pitfalls this type of human can fall in, because this is the most numerous type of human: the normal people. They live normal lives. Of course, "normal" is a very relative term. What is normal for one person or society can be abnormal to another. So, then what do they mean by normal? Their idea of normal would be classified as not special or different in any way. Heroes aren't normal. Horrible evil people aren't normal. They aren't normal because there are so few of them. And you know how these humans love being in the majority, even if the majority is mediocre.

When they say "normal life" what they really mean is a "lowest common denominator life." Not outstanding, not terrible, just good enough. A lot of them just don't want to take charge of their lives, they would prefer to just let things happen without any major doing on their part. So, we lull them into a complacent state of mind where they think, "Things aren't _so_ bad." They want their lives to be lukewarm and you know how the Enemy feels about lukewarm. He didn't create them and die for them just so they could be ordinary. He created them and died for them so they could be extraordinary. He wants them to excel, to push themselves, to reach for the stars. He wants them to be able to move mountains, and even if they don't succeed He wants them to at least try. So, how do we counter this? We make them afraid to try because trying isn't normal.

We've conditioned these humans with submissive orders that will keep them on the road to a lowest common denominator life. Keep your head down, don't make waves, don't speak out of turn, go with the flow, don't ask questions, do as your told, go to work, pay the bills, go to sleep, get up, do this, do that, tote that barge, lift that bail, do as we say and you won't get hurt. Because that's what this amounts to in the end, they don't want to get hurt. Well, if they go this course, they won't get hurt. Well at least not until they get down here anyway. But the thing is if they don't get hurt, they don't grow. That's the thing with the Enemy's design. He's made it so when they get hurt they grow stronger. They learn from their pain, they are better people for surviving their pain. "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Some of His greatest warriors have been through more pain than they thought they could bear. In fact, all them wouldn't be who they are without their pain. Curse Him for using our source of enjoyment against us!

They want to be normal so badly they'll make themselves miserable to do it. They are a very masochistic species. They're always piling up burdens and torments on themselves for one reason or another. It is impossible for many people to be happy unless they're unhappy. They always need something to complain about because complaining about things is normal. We hardly need thumbscrews or whips to torture them when the drudgery of everyday life torments them constantly. I tell you though sometimes it takes the fun out of the job. They do such a good job of bringing suffering on themselves there's hardly any challenge in making them miserable.

All right, I want you all to take your notes and study them on how you could take advantage of a human like the one in the film. As for me, I need to grade your essays.

Class dismissed.


	7. Perception, Not Reality

Chapter 7: Perception, Not Reality.

Disclaimer: Me not own.

Good morning, class.

I've finished grading your essays, and you all did rather well. Except for you Scumbile, your grasp of the elements leaves much to be desired. So you'll be visiting Mr. Eelbolt in detention today to see if we can't beat a better understanding into you.

Oh well, on with today's lesson: how to confuse the humans' perception of the existence beyond mortal existence. This is easy to do since the humans' idea of what it's like on this side is very skewed. We must sustain this skewed vision so that they can't fully grasp the truth about us, and more importantly, the truth about the Enemy.

Their perception of us has been very inaccurate, more pictorial than anything. Since they can't see us they have a real problem dealing with our existence (you know how hung up they are on being able to see and touch things), so they make up what they assume we might look like by combining frightening features from animals and their own imaginations. Humans think that since we're evil we should look evil. This is a mistake they all fall into: the assumption that evil is ugly. They even expect humans who are more in our grasp to look evil. The old cliché of humans with black hats and a twirled mustache who goes MWAHAHA! Foolish bipeds.

You've all seen the old illustrations of us in art; the red skin, goat legs, pointy tail, beard, pitchforks and of course horns. This was originally meant as an insult to the glory of Our Father Below by depicting him and all of us as hideous monsters. Of course, we _are_ monsters, but that doesn't mean we look like what they believe monsters should look like. The images in the Enemy's book of Our Father being a beast and a dragon are meant to reveal his harmful nature, and show how repulsive (by the Enemy's standards) he is, not what his physical appearance is like. Many humans who have caused much suffering are referred to as monsters, but none of them had claws or horns.

The point is, when most humans think of demons, they're actually thinking of a very misleading and fictional account of us. So in effect, the old image of horned devils that was intended as an insult has come to serve us as a decoy. And the modern versions of the image have helped us even more by making us seem even more unbelievable. In modern science fiction and fantasy movies or shows, they show demons being decapitated, stabbed, and blown up. How's that for a fable? A devil dying; and being killed by _humans_, no less! Doesn't that take the cake? That fellow, Lovecraft, made up some interesting depictions of us that doesn't follow the usual red skin and horns. Instead, he made us more alien; he portrayed us as being more or less heaping masses of gas, flesh and tentacles with names that weren't easily pronounced. The depiction of Our Father in the cartoon _South Park_ is particularly farcical, as it portrays him as a weakling in a homosexual relationship with that Iraqi dictator that arrived here a few months ago. As if Our Father's will wasn't as strong, if not stronger than the Enemy's, or he could ever be afflicted with that weakness called love, let alone about a human. Ugh! It's sickening. My personal favorite is the depiction of us in the movie _Hellraiser_, where we are shown to be mutilated humans in demonic S & M attire. This is so absurd I can't help but laugh.

These fictitious depictions serve to further confuse mortals about our nature. Since they expect us to be scary looking monsters, they almost never recognize us. True monstrosity is not outside, it's on inside. Thankfully, the hairless monkeys continue to fall into a frame of mind that appearances are everything. As often as they warn against it, they continue to judge books by their covers. Even those who preach against this habit fall into it in certain degrees. So with the old portrayal of devils, they are presented with a superficial, and fictional picture of what we truly are. Presented with this inaccurate depiction, they never recognize us when they see us. Remember the first rule of being a successful tempter: Never let the humans see you coming. Nobody is attracted to the outwardly ugly, which is why we always make ourselves look beautiful. Admittedly, ours is a tainted, counterfeit beauty, but this is no problem since most humans wouldn't know real beauty if it hit them in the face.

While we distort their perception of us, we must also distort their perception of the Enemy. The Enemy's soldiers are almost as misrepresented as we are in humans' minds. When they speak of angels, they imagine a human in a white bathrobe with wings and a halo strumming a harp. This depiction is so absurdly under whelming that even angels find it humorous. Other images depict beautiful motherly women with great wings, or cute little baby cherubs. These representations have less to do with their idea of angels and more to do with their idea of fairies. As a matter of fact, the humans have the two so confused, that if they hadn't designated angels having have bird wings and fairies having insect wings, they wouldn't be able to tell them apart.

In the past, artists would paint pictures and murals portrayed angels as warriors fighting against us, but this image has faded from their minds. Now they imagine angels as being gentle, serene and kind. Naturally, the enemy troops can be all those things, but the humans forget that isn't all they are. They can be gentle, serene and kind, but they can also be cunning, determined, intimidating and dangerous. In the Enemy's Bible, interactions between humans and enemy soldiers and messengers usually began with the angel telling the human not to be afraid, there's a reason for that.

And finally, we have the mortals' misconception on the Enemy Himself. You'll find that confusing them about the Enemy is the easiest of all the things we've gone over. The Enemy is beyond anything the humans could possibly comprehend; this is due to their limited nature. Being finite, mortal creatures, their ability to grasp the possibility of the infinite is stunted. Which is why they're so ready to accept that their mortal world is all that does or can exist. The Enemy's nature is beyond anything that their puny rodent brains could possibly understand, and the humans hate not being able to understand things. The Enemy gave them an inquisitive nature that seeks to explore, learn and find answers and even find new questions. There is a paradox in them however, because mixed with this urge to learn is an aspect of them that is more profitable to our cause: the hate and fear the unknown. Of all the things the humans dread, the feeling of not knowing something is the most gnawing. Our Father took advantage of this by offering the first humans the "inside scoop" on the Enemy's plans. The humans seek to learn and grow, yet fear and hate what they don't understand.

This hatred and fear of the unknown has been of unimaginable help to our work. Through it we've produced prejudice, persecution, ignorance and some delightful murders and slaughters. To say nothing of how intoxicating the fear and hatred itself is. Their most basic fears are based on the unknown. The fear of the dark and death are both actually fear of the unknown because they don't know what is in the dark and they aren't sure what is beyond death. The Enemy tells them what waits beyond the grave, but since no human walking the Earth has ever seen what this side is like, they all fear and hate it. The unknown is the most intimidating of all human concepts because they can't prepare for what they don't know. It makes them feel helpless, and they hate feeling that way. And since the Enemy is the ultimate unknowable, they hate Him. Since they can't know what He is, they dislike the concept of Him. The idea that there is anything that they can't understand drives them crazy.

There can be a few different reactions to their frustration of not understanding something. Since they can't understand it, they can become angry at the concept and say, "it's probably a stupid thing anyway." If some of them can't understand something, then they can convince themselves that it must not be worth understanding. You see this in schools where human students say that "Math is dumb" because they have trouble understanding it. This is due to the humans not wanting to admit the problem with them not being able to understand might be in them, so they shift the blame to and claim it's the subject that's the problem. Another reaction could be that the human could be…

Plungus! Scumbile! May I ask what you two are chatting about? Am I boring you? Or is it that you both know all this already and don't need to hear it again? I had no idea that there were experienced tempters in my class! Well, in that case, maybe you two should be teaching this class. Well, listen up students! The legendary duo of Scumbile and Plungus are going to regale us with the proper way to confuse human vermin about our existence. Go on, I'm on pins and needles.

Well, go ahead, don't be shy.

Oh, so you were done talking? Oh well, then do you think _I _should teach this class? After all, I _am_ the teacher here. And just to clear up any misgivings you might have, since I'm the teacher, in this classroom I own you. If I hear one more word out of either of you, you'll be in deep trouble. You two are lucky I had a big breakfast, otherwise I'd eat the both of you right now! So instead, I'm giving you both detention every day for the next three weeks.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, the perception of the Enemy. As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, since they can't understand the Enemy, they believe that He does not exist or that if He does exist He doesn't affect them. Since the Enemy wishes the little pests to have faith that He exists, He won't show Himself to them as we see Him. He still reveals Himself to them at times, but only in the subtlest, often overlooked ways, which can sometimes add to their certainty that He's not real. Most humans wouldn't recognize a miracle if they saw one. And if they did, they'd still rationalize it in some way without having to attribute it to some otherworldly force.

This is their view that if something can't be seen or touched it doesn't exist. In truth however, this is far from reality. When I was in the field, I would see their miniscule grasp on reality and almost pitied them. Almost. The bipeds only have five senses, and there is much that those five don't detect. Even the old argument of being able to touch and feel a thing isn't true. What they see is not what is. If they look at a book, they are actually looking at billions of molecules and atoms, but that's not what they see. They pick up a glass of water, they're touching billions of molecules and atoms, but that's not what it feels like to them. To say nothing of all the microscopic organisms, particles, atoms and energy that they don't see. The modern humans are as guilty of the misconception that all humans before them have had: the premise that perception is reality.

It's easy to confuse their perception of the Enemy because they have only a hazy idea of what He really is. So, their attempts to figure out what He looks like miss the mark. A toddler's drawing of a cow rarely looks like a real cow, but it's the best their young minds can construct; and they've never even seen the Enemy so the toddler actually is given more visual information than any concept of the Enemy ever has. The most widespread and clichéd depiction of the Enemy is a giant old man with a long beard in a white robe sitting in the clouds. Amazing that the vermin can turn a mountain into a molehill like that, isn't it? They've reduced the power that created the universe out of nothing into a laughable depiction that is as ridiculous as comparing a firefly to a star.

You must also distance their perception of the Enemy from what He's really like. We've instilled in their minds that if a higher power exists, it is a distant, uncaring, watchmaker god. A god that cares as much for them as they do the microbes that they study in labs. If they must believe in a god, make sure it's not the real One. If He is nothing more than the one who pushed the universe's start button, He's of no consequence to them. We must convince them that if He is real He still can't love them, can't save them and can't be worshipped by them. A distant, toothless, absentee "first start" god would be no threat to us, if only that were the case.

When looking at the Enemy's omnipotence, omniscience and omnibenevolence, always try to confuse them so they're incompatible. You know the old arguments; if God knows about sin and doesn't prevent it then He's not all good, if God knows evil and can't stop it then He's not omnipotent, and the other things you were taught in your first year. Also, remember to instill in them a hatred of the Enemy's plan. If something bad happens and it is chalked up to being part of the Enemy's plan, humans will immediately call it rubbish. Since they don't know the Divine Plan or see Creation as He sees it, they can't understand it. And how do they feel when they can't understand something? Exactly, they resent it.

Even though the Enemy's Son walked the Earth thousands of years ago, we can still confuse them about Him. The easiest way to mess with them is to focus on what He looked like. They've been fighting about what color His skin was in particular for years. They study paintings, culture, and statistics to determine what He "really" looked like. It makes precious little difference to the state of their souls what color His skin was, how big His nose was, how long His hair was, or what His shoe size was but we must keep them from realizing that. As I've said, we must get them to continually judge by appearances, even if it's unconsciously. It doesn't matter what He looked like, but if we can get them to think it does matter, we've got a foothold in them that can corrupt their spirituality. For example, if we can get them to think that it's blasphemy to think that the Enemy was black, then they have to some degree put a condition on their salvation. What color His skin was doesn't matter, but if they are appalled at the idea of their God not looking like what they expect Him to be like then they are in a sense rejecting Him. He doesn't require them to believe He looked like a movie star or a common Joe, just that He was the Enemy's Son.

Even though appearance can divert their attention from Who He was and what He did, even better is to dilute His message by twisting His words. We've undermined many a soul's moral compass by twisting their teachers' words out of proper context. It's been one of our greatest triumphs. Humans can hear any statement and turn it into something that suites their own agenda. The bottles of Pharisee in the cellar are filled with souls we've caught with this method. We take the creatures' existing hates and fears and desires and twist how they read the Scripture to fit them. They can become convinced that the Enemy approves of murder and racism. One of my former patients crushed the skull of a young Hispanic man with a hammer saying he was doing the Enemy's work. I could go on about the gloriousness of a religious hypocrite, but that's a lesson for another day.

Then of course there's Heaven and Hell. The vermin's depictions of them are always the same: clouds or fire. The normal depiction of Heaven is of angels floating on clouds strumming harps, and Hell is an underground cave with little horned devils sticking them with pitchforks. They're imperfect nature makes Heaven sound too good to be true, which we must always encourage them to believe. We've given them the idea that Heaven is boring. I know, I can't believe they buy it either. Heaven means freedom, joy, discovery, and love, which is exactly why we need to keep them from it. Why should the disgusting little insects be allowed to set foot in the Divine Realm when we are excluded from it forever? As for Hell, well there are many ways to confuse them about this place. The most famous is that Hell's a party where everyone is having fun. No human goes to prison expecting to have a good time, yet they expect a party in a place that makes their prisons look like child's play. One of their writers once said "Go to Heaven for climate, Hell for company." It's amazing they can say it with a straight face; even I used to laugh when I whispered it into my patients' ears. One of the greatest torments of the damned is the endless crushing isolation; they aren't even aware of the presence of the other damned souls. And let me tell you, class, the loneliness makes the taste sweeter.

All these useful ways of confusing them come in handy when a religious or philosophical debate breaks out. The really wonderful thing is many arguments debating the existence of the Enemy are really nothing to do with Him and everything to do with the people arguing being right. There are some humans who are so concerned with proving He exists, that they rarely saying anything about Him besides His existence. We replace adoration of the Enemy with the humans' desperate hatred of being wrong. So in this frame of mind, they aren't arguing to defend a loved one, they're arguing because they want to be right. The Enemy takes a backseat to the "I'm right" supposition.

All mortals want things to be their way. They demand that the world bend to their desires and standards at all levels. A child who wants a cookie immediately without eating his vegetables; a woman who wants the specific dress even if it'll cost more than she can afford to spend; men who make people, even family members, feel guilty so they'll do what he wants them to do. So, properly nurtured this need for the world's conformity will spill into their spiritual life. Since they've adopted the Enemy's teachings they'll insist everyone else does as well, not because they care about them and want to share this amazing gift with them, but because it is what they think and they want them to conform to what they think is correct. You see? The difference is subtle but it's there. They want them to agree with their ways because it makes them right, not because it helps the other person.

These depictions are overly simplistic and will seem farcical to a human who doesn't already believe. If they look at them at face value, they'll be dismissed out of hand, which is exactly what we want to happen. Try not to let your patients think too much about these stereotypes, because as warped as they are, they contain a bit of truth. They represent real beings and real places, and if they go looking for the real thing then you're hold on them is in jeopardy.

If they get into serious thinking about it, distract them. Don't bother arguing when distraction will be enough. If they're thinking about it, switch their line of thought to something else, anything else. Remind them of something they've forgotten, get a song stuck in their heads, suggest they have something to eat, convince them to turn on the television, have them do anything as long at it gets their minds off of thinking about us or the Enemy.

Arguing has its dangers since it awakens their logic, but if you must argue, make sure you do it on our terms. And if a human argues in favor of our lies, be sure to teach him or her the diabolical way of arguing.

Twist any source on the subject through conjecture until it looks wrong or until it agrees with the position you want it to before you provide it to the human. If the opponent points out the flaws in the argument, continue to insist that your argument proves your point. Don't be shy about having them insult the opposing side's intelligence because they don't accept the arguments. Have them continually point out that the opposing viewpoint is prejudice and bias, while getting them to ignore their own lack of respect for opposing opinions. Distort the sources of information around until the sources that support your position are the highest and only logical authority. Persist with this until this list of information you propose and that fits your position best is the one that counts more in the argument. Be ready to change this list around in case new information should come up to support the opponents' from a source you put high in a previous list. When sources agree with the other side, insist that they mean nothing, and bend the meaning of any statement that agrees with your opponents as far as you possible until it does not address the subject in any way. Remember, each quote that can be made to agree with you literally means exactly what it says (or what you say it says), but quotes that support the other side mean nothing, even when they make more sense than yours. If you can't deny the flaws found in your arguments, have your patient ignore them and continue to insist (and have them insist) that your arguments have undeniably proven your position. When and if the debate has gone on for a while so you have had the time to spread your warped arguments and persist they are evidence, repeat, "I'm right, you're wrong, you lost!" to your opponents until they give up. Do this in as loud a voice as possible, so that the opponent will be unable to get a word in.

Remember, just like with depictions of the Enemy and us, you don't need to be accurate. All you have to do is confuse them until they think what you're saying is accurate.

Class dismissed.

A/N: I'm sure everybody has a memory of school where the teacher did something humiliating like that if he/she caught you talking, so I thought that'd be funny here.


	8. Bah Humbug

Chapter 8: Bah Humbug

Disclaimer: I don't own _The Screwtape Letters_.

Good morning, class.

As you are no doubt aware, the Holiday Season is upon us again. This is the time of year that every devil wishes he could wait out down here. All that happiness, good will, families getting together, people contemplating the Enemy, it's enough to drive you mad. And don't even get me started on the music! "Away In A Manger", "Jingle Bells", "Deck The Halls", "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen", "Frosty The Snowman", "Christmas Shoes", it's an all out assault of unbearable melodies! I swear if I never hear "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" again, it'll be too soon.

I look back at what they're celebrating and just shake my head. The thing I can't get past is the way the Enemy went about the Incarnation. Born in a stable? Shepherds as witnesses? Does the Enemy have no dignity? At least those magi brought things of worth as gifts. But this is how the Supreme Being wants to enter the Earth?! A pity our kind can't become human or Our Father would show Him how to do it right; he would've taken form in a palace filled with servants and treasures, not some insignificant barn full of animals.

This is also our busiest time of year. The yearly outbreak of good cheer and recognition of the Enemy's Son's Birth puts us on the defensive. Thank badness for the Infernal Revenue Service and their tireless work. They've corrupted a part of Christmas that has been there since the beginning: gifts. The entire idea of giving a gift was in the spirit of charity and good will, until they interjected the element of greed into it. Now, every year, the coming of the holiday is accompanied not only by a change in weather and cheerfulness, but also by greed. The endless lists and requests bog down all humans at this time of year. "I want a new baseball glove, I want golf clubs, I want a DVD player, I want a fur coat, I want a new car." It's invigorating to see the rampant avarice of those who receive gifts overshadowing the charity behind the gift givers. The humans point out that it is not about receiving, it's supposed to be about giving, but they've still missed the point. The giving is disgusting, but it is not what Christmas is really about. If they say it is about giving or receiving, it still indicates that the holiday is centered on the gifts. It is what lies behind the desire to give that the day stands for: the abhorrent concept of love the Enemy is so fond of.

At Christmas time, love is often drowned by materialism. They perceive that the love is determined by how much they give or receive. The vermin say, "It's the thought that counts", but they assume that more thought is put into how expensive the gift is or how many gifts there are. It's a trap. Whether giving or getting, this line of reasoning corrupts their view on the whole exchange. If they get gifts we get them with greed, if they give gifts we get them with the belief that they don't love the people they're shopping for if they don't provide what they want. Then they are essentially trying to buy the love of the person they're giving the presents to. This is impossible of course, love cannot be bought but they seem to forget that. They always make overtures to show how they care that end up translating to trying to buy a person's affection. We must encourage this because it will fundamentally keep them from truly understanding the Enemy's ludicrous love. You'll also get the added bonus of the stress that accompanies Christmas shopping. The ticking clock towards Christmas, coupled with the miles long lists, and their dread at disappointing anyone adds up to some really exquisite tension.

The clamor about presents serves us well, but it doesn't stop there. There are also decorations. Christmas trees, Christmas lights, Christmas ornaments, Christmas wreaths, mistletoe, holly, garland, tinsel, and all those things they hang around their homes. Garish stupid looking things that serve no real purpose and end up going right into storage after Christmas is over. The festiveness of these things is nauseating, but as long as we can get them preoccupied with them, it's tolerable. Try to get your patient to focus on the decorating as if it were the prime factor of the holiday instead of just window dressing. Many humans have certain fixations on decoration at this time, "It's not Christmas until the star's on the tree", that sort of thing. This must be encouraged. Humans can become jaded with the holiday over time; you must convince them that they can reawaken the so-called "holiday spirit" by diving into the sea of colored baubles and sparkling garland. This will of course not work for them, unless they are truly shallow and superficial, other wise it will be as successful as trying mash crumbs together to get a loaf of bread.

Then there's Santa Claus. Saint Nicholas gave us a lot of grief in the old days, his blasted gift giving among other things drove us mad. Now, his memory lives in that fairy tale about him and his flying reindeer. It's repulsive seeing how that story makes children so happy. There's nothing inherently evil about the story, but we can use it to distract the children from the real reason for the holiday. The promise of presents can grab and hold the attention of any child from anything else, including the Enemy, especially because the younger vermin don't always fully understand everything about Him. We've also used this ridiculous story as a comparison for the Enemy. You've no doubt heard the old slogan we taught the humans, "God is Santa Claus for adults." We've pitched the idea that the Enemy, like Santa, is only a nice idea or a make believe story. We encourage this because it makes them feel that faith is only for fools, and some children feel like fools when they discover that Santa is indeed not real. There have been cases where a human who found out Santa wasn't real made the leap to conclude the Enemy didn't exist either, but I'm afraid the number of these cases is exaggerated. So, if we cannot use the story to distract them, we can use it to convince humans that faith is idiotic. Keep in mind however, that the story of Santa Claus is just the humans' lore, not one of our lies. Therefore it is not intrinsically to our advantage, but can, like many things the humans come up with, be twisted and used for our purposes.

Commercialization of holidays is a wonderful thing, it drowns the occasions in a sea of materialism and greed, burying the sentiment and/or historical importance beneath tons of useless junk. And it's not exclusive to Christmas either. All holidays the humans celebrate can be turned into festivals of materialism. You may remember our class on Easter how I told you that the Enemy's death can be drowned out by the silliness of the Easter Bunny and buying candy for Easter baskets, those repulsive Easter bonnets, or dying eggs. And just look at the wonders we've worked with Thanksgiving. An occasion originally marked as remembrance of the hardship of their ancestors and thankfulness for their blessings has been diminished to a day for a big meal, football and a balloon filled parade. Even the name of the day has been robbed of its original meaning is now affectionately called Turkey Day.

Halloween, where costumes, candy and "scary" decorations are all in demand is also a good time to work on the holiday materialism. Though in truth Halloween is a thorn in our side. We want the humans to be afraid, this holiday allows them to face their fears and in effect neuters them. If they don't fear monsters, then they won't fear or respect us, if they don't fear death, it's hard to threaten them. Rather than the celebration of evil it would appear to be, it's actually their way of nullifying their fears and nightmares. They mock their fears, and by proxy they mock us, and that is one of the few ways the humans can take away our power over them. The audacity of those impudent little rodents to mock the pride and austerity of Hell is an outrage! But I digress.

Even the less major holidays are now all about making profit. Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Labor Day, Valentine's Day—Oh Valentine's Day. Now there's a wonderful work of corruption, another day devoted to so-called love. This is probably the most expensive of the lesser holidays; all the insipid cards, the stupid flowers, the disgusting candy, and all that romantic garbage. All to keep up the pretense that love actually exists so they can make themselves believe there's more to it than breeding urges and chemical reactions. Though as long as they recognizing this obvious truth, we can get them to continue down the materialistic streak we have them on, as well as the many lies, thefts, murders and suicides that are done in the name of this all excusing love fantasy of theirs. As appalling a concept it is, "love" has been one of our best assets in the war.

Chairman Mammon and his team at the IRS deserve a lot of credit for their work on the holidays. No longer are they special historical, national or religious observances, just good days for business. In doing this they rob themselves of their heritage, their spirituality, and real sentiment in the flurry of buying and selling of the consumer culture. We've played their emotional attachments like a violin on these occasions, psychologically blackmailing them to spend, spend, spend and buy, buy, buy. In doing this we have, in a sense, taken over every holiday from its original purpose, but beware for the Enemy still has a foothold. Though we have made it mostly about the money, the Enemy still lurks. Unfortunately, He doesn't take off holidays. He's always there, whispering to them about seeking the true meanings of these days, which means we have to work even harder to draw their attention to the shiny holiday things we wave in front of them. Cards, clothes, decorations, costumes, food, and of course, one of our lesser triumphs, the ugly, itchy, ill-fitting Christmas sweater all block the view of the reason the days were designated as holidays to begin with.

Before I dismiss you, I'd like to address something. It's come to the faculty's attention that there has been some talk among the student body about wanting a Christmas Vacation like human students. This is so disappointing to me, as well as the rest of the faculty, including Principal Slubgob himself. And it is also very dangerous on your part. If the Infernal Police got wind of this, you'd all be charged with heresy, but seeing as the college can't afford to have an entire student body's expulsion on its record, we'll overlook it. _This time_. Frankly, I expected more from demons in the Poison Ivy League. Do you not realize what you're asking? You're asking to have something in common with humans. Is that really what you want to be like, a bunch of humans? Do you know why they need their precious vacations? Because they're weak! They're pathetic, weak little vermin who don't have the will power of the sense of purpose we have. Being devils you are infinitely superior to those snot nosed human brats, so do not let yourselves mistake their weaknesses for pleasure. Let's have no more talk of this vacation nonsense, otherwise you'll all be spending much more time with Mr. Eelbolt in detention. I hear he has a special punishment in store for the holidays. After he administers the usual thrashing, he's taking the students in detention up to Earth and making them listen to Christmas music for hours on end.

Class dismissed.

Author's Note: Read and review. Just want to know, am I making Stagrench evil enough? And Happy Holidays!


	9. Love Stinks

Chapter 9: Love Stinks

Disclaimer: I don't own _The Screwtape Letters_ or the characters from the Glenn Close movies.

Good morning, class.

For today's lesson, we're going to examine that insipid nonsense called love. Both the Enemy and the humans have a perverse fixation on this madness, which is made even stranger by the fact that there is no such thing as love. The whole concept is defies reason: one self caring about another as much as it cares about itself or even more so than itself. This is complete insanity. What is the first rule of Hell? One thing isn't another. The good of one cannot be the good of another for what one gains another loses. Therefore this entire concept of love falls apart.

There are several types of love, some are real, and some are illusions and fantasies of humans and the Enemy. The first is called Eros, from which we get the term erotic. This is the kind of love based on lust and appearance. This love is closely associated with "romance" and has certain advantages. In the first place, you will find that this love is the breeding ground for the insipid concept the humans call "love at first sight." This notion has served us well over the years because very few humans actually do fall in love at first sight. They usually mistake lust, excitement, and the emotional froth that is produced as real love. This is a development that can be taken advantage of. If affected by Eros, you will find your patients living in a kind of fantasy.

The rose tinted glasses of exuberant love will help you distract them from the real life difficulties that come with love. Keep them enveloped in ideas of marriage as a lifelong honeymoon, in cutesy little pet names and the enjoyment of sex. I know that being surrounded by this much happiness will be unnerving and revolting, but it _will_ pay off. In time the bloom of Eros will wither and real life will set in. The patients will begin to notice the flaws in their partners that Eros had blinded them to. The way he laughs, the way she talks, the way he's obsessed with football, the way she's obsessed with talking about their feelings, and assorted bad habits. Once the blinders are off, direct their attention to these faults and make it the focal point of how the patient sees his or her partner. The enchantment wears off and soon the two will be disillusioned with each other. Once that happens, you will have grounds for a ruined relationship and a divorce. Eros has been one of our greatest tools in bringing the numbers up in the divorce rate and poisoning countless humans' opinions on love.

Next, we have the love called Storge. In my day, we called it "Friends First" since the humans usually started out as friends and grew closer over time. This love isn't as easily torn apart as erotic love, this kind of love usually has a strong bond built before they actually do fall in love. What's worse, they usually place a great deal of importance on commitment and trust between the partners, so your attempts at getting them to commit adultery will often be sadly ineffectual. And…

Why Boilpaste, thank you for joining us. And look, you're only five minutes late. I sincerely hope you didn't have to miss anything too important to attend my class. Well, after class you can tell me all about it while you scrub the floor, clean the desktops, wash the windows, and write, "I will not be late for class" six hundred sixty six times on the black board.

Now, where was I? Oh yes. One advantage that we can capitalize on in storgic love is that most humans have a preconceived idea of love in their minds, usually painted with Eros as we have taught them. Make them expect a whirlwind romance like they have in those cheap romance novels. Therefore, do all you can to quell passion in the couple and let familiarity breed contempt. Let them become fixed on each other's faults, until that is all they can see when they look at them. Also, since these romances start as friendships, then use the tactics that are most effective in ruining friendships. Let one of them do something stupid and make their partner angry and let a long fight start.

There are types of "love" that are tailored to suit our cause, mostly because they don't involve actual love. Mania, for starters, has given us some exquisite cases. This is not actually love, but obsession and desire. Humans afflicted with Mania usually have low opinions of themselves, and their relationships are used as reinforcement of their personal value. These patients are prone to be very possessive of their partners, and can view children or friends as competition for their partner's affection. I've known mothers and fathers who treat their children horribly because they were jealous of the amount of attention their lovers paid them. Manic lovers are deathly afraid to lose them and thus their self-esteem. This means they may not be as prone to cheat on their lovers because they fear losing them, but some will do it if they are certain they won't get caught.

They feel they need their lover and will die without them, so you can expect a great deal of obsession, jealousy, possessiveness, fear and insatiability. The pure selfishness is disguised by the manic lover's seemingly endless devotion to their partner. In reality, this devotion is largely just for show and to keep the partner from seeing their true intentions. They will try and present it as if it's all about the partner, when really they want it to be "look how devoted I am to you, look how great I am to you." You see? This is the grand diabolical unselfishness; this is a selfish person disguising their selfishness with seemingly charitable activity. This is emotional blackmail; since they appear to always think of the other, the partner will always seem to be the bad guy if he or she does not capitulate to the other's wishes. The best part about Mania is that it is the breeding ground for stalkers and serial killers. One of Cankergaunt's former patients was a manic lover. Her name was Alex Forrest. Oh, she was a _very_ entertaining subject.

Next, there's my personal favorite, Ludus. This is love as it should be, completely about pleasure, satisfaction and none of that dismal garbage about love or commitment or affection. The humans affected by Ludus are promiscuous and playful lovers, or as the humans call them, "slutty" or "skanky" lovers. The quality of their relationships is usually low, but the quantity of relationships is through the roof. They usually go from relationship to relationship and don't take long-term issues into account. They're often just concerned with "getting laid" and having fun. To these humans, sex is an itch to be scratched, and that's exactly the way we want them to view it. If your patient turns out to be a ludic lover, keep it out of their heads that when they have sex, they are taking part in a transcendental experience made for the consecration of love, creation of life and the combining of souls, or risk leaving a foothold on their sexuality vulnerable.

Ludic lovers' views on sex can also be that it is a form of conquest. Some alpha male idiot wanting to have the most popular girl in school to help his reputation, or some conniving tramp seducing some pathetic guy to mess with him. This is exactly what sex might have been if the Enemy hadn't designed it; just another way for a strong being to prey on and exploit a weaker. The best part is these liaisons usually leave the other partner hurt and miserable while the ludic lover moves on to their next conquest. When I was in the field I saw countless hearts broken by this kind of human. In fact, I was in a double team offensive on two French aristocrats back in the 1700's. I was assigned to the Marquise de Merteuil and my partner Rancyst was assigned to the Vicomte de Valmont. Oh class, my time on that assignment was some of the most fun in my career! They may have been humans, but those two had style! So arrogant, so lustful, so cruel, so deceitful, so at ease with playing with other's emotions. They would've made fine devils. When the assignment ended, we left behind a trail of lies, fornication, betrayal, broken hearts and ruined lives and we had both ensnared our patients.

And finally, the worst love of all: the love known as Agape or Caritas. This is the kind of love most hostile to our organization. This is described as selfless love, loving kindness to others with out thought of what one may get in return. This love is supposedly unconditional and those afflicted with it are self-sacrificing and charitable. I feel so stupid just _saying_ it. Even in the most obscene cases of this disease called love, there _has_ to be _some_ selfishness! The people involved have to be making profit off the other, either with sex or money or _something_, otherwise, what's the point? This type of love is the most confounding because this is the kind of love that the Enemy Himself is so fond of peddling. He goes so far as to say that He _is_ this impossible love! This is an outrageous statement and an obvious lie, of course.

As unbelievable as the concept of love is, this brand of love defies reason. It's baffled the research department for millennia, and we're still no closer to determining what the Enemy's really hiding behind this smoke screen love. It's obvious that this impossible love conceals His true motive for creating the humans and going so far as to become one and die for them. We're hoping that the souls we damn will help with the research, maybe if we get enough and examine them closely enough, we'll find out what the secret He's kept from us is. But remember what the best method of deception is. As you learned in Impergarten, you must mix a little truth in with the lie to make it more convincing. It seems to me that there has to be some truth in the Enemy's claim to love the human vermin.

Naturally, I don't mean He actually means all these claptrap about really caring about them, but He might feel a certain level of affection for them. However, affection does not denote that the person cares about another to the unfeasible degree of His so-called love. I've known demons that were fond of one another, but when it came right down to it, they chose themselves above their associates. The attachment and camaraderie is fleeting, as is it with all things. The reason such feelings develop is because someone or something has an ability or property that one enjoys or can profit from and a feeling of familiarity and control. This is the only way that one can truly say they love something. When the phrase, "I love you", means, "I enjoy you", then and only then, does the statement have any merit. So when a human who enjoys chocolate says, "I love chocolate", that human is experiencing the only real kind of love. Anything else is just the Enemy's pipedream.

While working with your patients, be sure include the tactic of trying to separate sex and love in their minds. Make them think that sex is as casual an activity as a handshake. In the past we've used the opposite tactic; we made them think that sex was something sinful to be ashamed of. We still do this, but on a larger scale we've shifted to making sex too common. In the one case, we make them think a normal biological occurrence that the Enemy created is evil; in the other case, we make them see it's a normal biological occurrence but without the affections and circumstances that the Enemy wants to accompany it. We want them to see sex as an itch to be scratched, and we've so expertly sold this idea that there are humans that actually refer to it as an itch to be scratched. They've also been known to call it "shagging", "bumping uglies", "boinking", "banging", "getting laid" and "scoring".

Human vernacular, oy. Well, actually, human slang helps a lot with these cases. They view old terms like "making love" and "becoming one flesh" as Puritanical stupidity; even "having sex" seems too fancy sounding to some of these vermin. They prefer to use crude labels like "screwing" or "fucking" to make it sound like it's no big deal. Which is exactly the kind of attitude we want. It's an old technique of deception where we get them to think that changing what something is called somehow changes its condition. It's the old jargon method; as long as they use a euphemism and don't call it what it really is, they can live in denial of what they're really doing. "I'm not lying, I was embellishing." "I didn't kill anyone, I neutralized him." So, as long as you can keep humans "screwing" instead of "having sex" or, Hell forbid, "making love", you have them right where you want them.

Whenever a human is affected by love, appearance plays a big part of it. It's natural that humans are attracted to beauty, but what you must do is try to get their focus only on appearances. Blind them to whether the object of their lust is smart, stupid, funny, boring, selfish, giving or anything else besides outwardly appealing. You may have an advantage with this if the patient you're assigned to is already shallow and superficial, then all you have to do is maintain the course. For the past century, we've fed mortals on the magazines and films showing fake sex objects. From the magazines with women in bikinis to the ones with men with impossibly huge muscles, we've given them a highly erotic and unrealistic target for their affections.

The models and actors in these instances are all an illusion, just like any monster make up or fake blood in a horror movie. Before they're ever photographed they're propped up in the clothes, given make up and air brushing to hide any blemishes or imperfections and then they're put under very specific lighting, photographed in very specific angles and sometimes they even use computers to alter the photos even more. So in fact, more often than not, the humans who look at these pictures or movies aren't looking at the real thing, they're looking at a distorted image.

We've used these images on the females too, they see them and feel less attractive by comparison. This is a perfect trap because they're holding themselves up to an unrealistic and imaginary standard. Nobody actually looks like these pictures, but we get them pressured to try and be as close as possible. I've seen countless women in the field try to recreate themselves to be more attractive. They desperately resist age and hide their imperfections in a futile attempt to be like the imaginary girls in Playboy. This attack on their self-esteem has led to many women who turn to plastic surgery to try to attain this ageless fraudulent beauty. And it's led even more to anorexia. I love seeing these females slowly killing themselves to live up to the standard we've set for them.

On the flip side we've presented women with some unrealistic idealized versions of men. The females are also susceptible to physical appearance, but they usually place more importance on a man's emotional availability. One model is known as the Prince Charming, named after those stupid fairytales. Some toned, fit man who is intelligent, emotionally available, and totally devoted to her. Some noble, romantic hero who wants nothing more than to gaze into her eyes and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. He takes her exciting places and gives her expensive gifts endlessly. Stop laughing! I know it's comical but it works. Just as we delude men with visually stimulating simulations, we trick women with emotional simulations. That's the main difference between the prescribed sexual temptations to each gender. Compared to this Prince Charming, any man will always fall short. The reality of men who don't take them out every night, burp, fart, are emotionally complicated, watch too much TV will leave women searching for this ideal man and blind them from the man's decent personal qualities. It's relatively easy to reinforce the Prince Charming stereotype, just keep your patient on a steady diet of soap operas, romance novels and Disney movies.

Another very profitable male model is the Bad Boy. This figure is the male who is always in trouble. He's abrasive, rebellious, unpredictable and can be counted on for trouble. This is based on the woman's love of excitement. These subjects attract women who like the forbidden. This man is trouble and they want a taste of danger; what they don't know is that they may end up getting more than a taste. These men usually are unable to be intimate or commit to them, so what is it that keeps them together? In these relationships, the female usually is the one doing all the work, usually because of the level of the woman's self esteem. For example, if the woman has been hurt in the past, especially if they were abused as children, you can get her to repeat the same mistakes over and over because that's the only way they know how. Another reason is that they want drama in their relationships, they may be cheated on or lied to, but they'll never be bored. And there's this delusional rescue fantasy they dream up; the idea that they can reach these poor lost boys and rehabilitate them, change them into the perfect boyfriend/husband. Any of these tactics can be useful in trapping women in abusive relationships.

If you effectively applied, these tactics will yield results that will have an exquisite effect on the patient's soul. The scars left from a ruined relationship or marriage can fester for the rest of their lives and spoil their hopes for future happiness. Once impaired, their ability to love and be loved can leave the door open for bitterness, callousness, and hate. Once this is established we can keep them from connecting with other people, and eventually, if all goes well, we can keep them from connecting with the Enemy. Be vigilant in these cases, the Enemy often swoops in when the pests are emotionally vulnerable. If He shows up, keep them unsusceptible to His propaganda. Pick at the scabs of their hurting hearts, don't let them listen to Him and start to heal. Immerse them in their own pain, until they can't hear the promises of help over their own screams and tears. You don't always need to use promises of pleasure to keep them from the Enemy, sometimes all you need is to keep them in pain until they can't see anything beyond their hurt. Pain causes all beings to spontaneously become focused on themselves. If they are hurt in any way, be it a stubbed toe, a cut hand or a toothache, their attention is immediately drawn to their own pain. And a broken heart? Ooh, it is among the sweetest of all pain.

Now, you will write an essay no less than 20,000 words long explaining the logical impossibility of the Enemy's disinterested love and how you would apply the techniques to a human in the field. You will still be using my special paper so remember to use proper grammar. Oh, and there's something else I should point out. Once or twice in the past, a student has written an essay on this subject and concluded that the Enemy's claim to love the humans might in fact hold water. I trust that I don't need to worry about any of you falling into such sacrilegious madness. If you did… well, I'd hate to see your bright futures end in the cafeteria.

Class dismissed.

Leave a review or Professor Stagrench will eat you.


	10. Word Play

Good morning, class

Chapter 10: Word Play

Disclaimer: I don't own _The Screwtape Letters_ or _Reservoir Dogs_.

Author's note: Sentences in _italics_ signify somebody besides Stagrench talking. Due to the subject of this lesson, this chapter contains strong profanity so if that offends you, you might want to skip this part.

Good morning, class.

"In the Beginning was the Word. And the Word was with God and the Word was God." That's what it says in the Enemy's Book. He created words, He started everything with words. I wish I could tell you that words are just another of His failed mistakes, but I can't. Even now I'm using them to speak and teach you. It's infuriating. Words, language, it's one of His creations that we can never escape even in Hell. I suppose we could stay silent in protest, but that's merely a passive form of protest. We are not passive. We are aggressive. Though, sometimes we're passive aggressive.

Through words, we influence mankind. We can't escape words or deny the power they contain, but we can use them to bring humans to Our Father's House. You must remember to choose your words carefully when you're tempting them, because if a human believes you or not can all come down to one word. One misplaced adjective or noun and it could send the little pest running back into the Enemy's clutches.

You have all been studying the various dictionaries of the human languages, so you will know all the words, but you must be ready and know which words to use at what time. Usually, a tempter must give the humans words as justification for something, so be ready with a wide variety of synonyms and euphemisms.

This technique is also excellent for messing up your patient's sense of right and wrong. Don't have the worm think that something is good or bad. Make him think of things as "easy", "progressive", "old fashioned", "ignorant", "intolerant", "stupid", "healthy", "unhealthy", "shitty", "dishonest", "modern", or some other term that sounds morally relevant. Do not neglect the adjectives. Rather than having these terms be leading up to the ultimate destination of good or evil, let them be an end unto themselves. Many humans who don't believe in absolute right and wrong use these terms for things they see as bad, but since they don't want to apply a standard of absolute good or evil they just use jargon.

Humans are so adept to semantics and technicalities it's almost a language in itself, not so dissimilar to the language of Hell. They're soft creatures who can't handle reality, so they disguise it with euphemisms. Riots are now "civil disorders." Addiction to drugs or alcohol is now "substance abuse." Prostitutes are now "sex workers." Someone beating a spouse or child is now "a domestic disturbance." An abortion is now "a pregnancy termination." Poor people are now "the underprivileged." Bribes are "presents" or tips" or "favors." And, my personal favorite, lying is now "massaging the truth." They also call lying "disinformation", "bullshit", "fibbing", or "a little white lie." They actually have jargon for jargon! This addiction to euphemisms is so bad that I have a sneaking suspicion that when the end of the world happens, they're going to refer to it as "a terrestrial deconstructive procedure."

Their fear of death and old age promoted the creation of the term "senior citizen" because they'd rather be that than an old person. And how many terms are there for death? "Passing away." "Expiring." "Pushing up daisies." "Biting the dust." "Croaking." "Buying the farm." "Kicking the bucket." Pathetic, isn't it? They cannot take the prospect of their inevitable fate, so they hide behind official or unthreatening terms. With such a need to deny reality, no wonder they're so susceptible to our tricks and the lies they tell themselves. We have taught them the art of deception well; they lie to each other brilliantly, but their best work is when they lie to themselves. Such foolish creatures, living in their little fantasy world in denial of the truth; is it any wonder why we will be victorious over them and the Enemy in the end?

You can also separate humans from each other by using this euphemistic language. Don't let them think in terms of human beings. Let them think in terms of some vague label for them. The people, the public, the masses, the proletariat, the population or the nation, for example. This is how politicians view them. For businessmen, humans could be customers, suckers, pigeons, clientele, and population. If there is a fight going on, be it a sports rivalry or a war, let them think of the two sides as being "us" and "them." Dehumanize any words that refer to other humans until what your patient is talking about are hypothetical nonentities with no substance or reality. Let him view anyone who isn't right in front of his face as shadows or puppets or background characters with no name or soul.

Frankly, the English language (which is what I mostly dealt with during my last fifty years in the field) astounds me by the sheer number of alterations and inane meanings. They've taken several words and changed the meaning so that the word refers to another thing entirely. In the old days an ass was what they called a donkey, today it means the buttocks. Gay used to mean happy, now it means homosexual. Guts once meant the entrails, now it means courage. A chicken was once just a bird, now it means a coward. Urban used to just mean related to a city, now it is somehow associated with black people. Balls were once round toys that children played with, now it means testicals. And somehow, words referring to poultry, cats, shellfish and other animals now refer to human genitals. I have no idea how these changes happened, but I assume that it came about through the machinations of devils very far down in the Lowerarchy.

Now, I want to talk about the words regarding ownership, specifically how humans view the concept of ownership. Some of the hairless monkeys' favorite words are the possessive pronouns and adjectives. "My" and "mine" are two words that come naturally to all beings, even ones that don't have language. The concept of owning something or someone is the fondest desire of all conscious beings. It's one of the strongest foundations that Hell is built on.

It is always appropriate to encourage humans to view things as their own in a very specific sense. As you know, a being can call something "mine" in different ways. One way is the way a human would say "My foot." In this sense, the human means that this foot is part of his body and can't belong to anyone else, unless it gets chopped off somehow. The foot is not an object he owns, the foot is of his body. This is what is known as inalienable possession.

Another form is called inherent possession. This is somewhat similar to inalienable possession in that it is a possession that cannot be altered without extreme measures. This can be used to describe my example of "My foot", but refers more to things that are beyond the control of the person saying it. If a human born in France said, "this is my country", he would not be saying, "I own this country." He would be saying, "This is the country I reside in." This can refer to many things that are inherent possession to a human such as family, place of origin, blood type, skin color and such.

The type of "mine" you want your patient to use most of all is the "Mine of Total Ownership." This is the case in which a being claims a separate object or living thing as his property. Humans use this "mine" more than others, even when the other uses are more accurate. They wish to think that they can claim anything as their own even though no human can call anything theirs.

The claims are also dubious at best. They say "my money", but money is one of the most transient of all property. They spend all that time earning it and then they go out and spend it. Money changes hands almost as often as the air they breath. Just out of curiosity, I once had my assistant follow one dollar through various transactions to see how many "owners" it had in the course of a month. When he came back, he reported the dollar had passed through no less than two hundred people. Amazing how zealously the humans say "my money" when all they ever do with their money is give it to somebody else, isn't it? And then there's food. They consume plant and animal matter and once they've absorbed all the nutrients, they excrete the waste matter. At least when we consume their souls as food, they remain inside us forever nourishing us with their suffering. It's "their" food only until they've eaten it and their bodies destroy it. They really love calling houses or any other dwelling their own. They can really believe that they own the construct of planks of wood, concrete, nails and pipes because they inhabit it. However, is the house really "their house" if they are not in it?

Currently, only the Enemy can say "Mine" of anything, and does say "Mine" of everything. Hopefully, that will one day change, but for now we must focus on what to do in the current state of affairs. He is able to say "Mine" because He made it. Humans don't actually make anything the way the Enemy does. Human inventions and creations are made using the materials all ready present from the Enemy's Creation. They make things out of wood, stone, plastic, metal, and such; but they are only able to do that because the Enemy made all the raw materials. Therefore, they cannot say "mine" on the grounds of creator.

The Enemy also calls everything His because He can own them forever. Can a human do that? I think not. They exist in the mortal realm for a matter of decades and then they either enter the Enemy's Kingdom or they end up here. There's a human saying, "You can't take it with you." So, if they cannot take things they claim to own with them, in what capacity can they have a legitimate claim to ownership? It's especially funny when souls arrive here and realize they left all "their" things behind. With houses, most humans have landlords, so the home they call their own belongs to someone else and they only rent and can be ejected at any time. Similar to their stay on Earth, don't you think? Everything that they call their own in the mortal world will always either end up belonging to another human or just dissolve into the Earth.

The funniest claims to ownership are on things that they can't even touch, things that no one can call their own. An old standard is a human saying "My time." They all say that and almost always mean it in the "I own it" mine than the "this is the time I am in" mine. They put up this claim as if they can actually own the very seconds of time and keep them in jars on a shelf. Even in cases of material possessions, a human can have a certain level of control, but how does this so called "my time" work? Do they create their time? Did they earn their time? Can they control the flow of time? Can they go back or forward in "their" time or stop their time in a particular instant? Can they replay moments in their time as often as they want? I think not. Yet they call it "their" time, even though they have more control over a video tape or a DVD than the time they're so eager to call their own.

The fact is nobody can call time theirs, even we can't do that. The Enemy is the only one who can call time His own. He made time, He controls time, and He's the only one who knows every second of it. This is one of His greatest advantages in the war. Yes Scumbile?

_Professor, can't we tell the future too? Don't we feed answers to human fortunetellers? _

Oh for Beelzebub's sake, haven't you taken any classes on the occult?!

_Um… no Professor._

Oh, kids today! The Enemy is torturing me with moron students! Well, Scumbile, the short answer is no we can't. But thanks to your staggering ignorance, I'm going to write up an entire lesson plan on the occult and give a test on it in the near future.

Anyway, back to the lesson. Humans can even take other humans to be property. This idea was established from the beginning with the enterprise of slavery, a concept that I am happy to report is still going on today. Though now it is mostly illegal, it still happens under the supervision of criminal cartels in the form of human trafficking. Every year, millions of humans are taken and sold into servitude by these organizations. They target runaways, the homeless, orphans, refugees, (people nobody will miss) and sell them for anything ranging from hard labor to forced prostitution. I'm sorry for the digression, but it's rather encouraging to hear that some of the age-old sins are still in action.

As I was saying, humans can end up convincing themselves they have some claim to ownership of another even without the whole slave package. Of course, no human can own another; they can beat them, force them to work, even kill them, but the only one who owns the hairless apes is the Enemy. But, humans often ignore this simply because the ever present "my" somehow magically makes it so.

A man can say "my wife" and not mean, "the woman who I have decided to share my life with". He may instead mean, "My trophy. My sexual satisfaction servant. My housekeeper and nanny of my children". This can help with tearing apart marriages. If their trophy is scuffed and tarnished, why not get a new one? After all, if the woman is his to keep and use, she is his to dispose of. Another is "my friend". Teach your human not to mean, "a close acquaintance" or "a person I trust" or "a person I care about and who cares about me". Instead have your patient think of a friend as "The person who will always do what I say. The person I can exploit if the need arises." Get your patient to view their friends as nothing but little minions to serve them. Someone to do them favors whenever they need it, and to whom they are not obligated to help in return.

My favorite of the "my" terms is "my children". There is nothing quite as wonderful as twisting "these young souls who I have been entrusted to raise and care for" into "young clones of me and extensions of myself". It is absolutely invigorating to see parents view their children as mere clones who exist to do nothing besides carry on their name and follow their footsteps.

This idea of thinking other humans as their own property is useful in diminishing the value of human life. When one of the little insects hears about a disaster that left many people dead, they say "Oh, how can I feel bad for those people? I didn't know them." It's a perfectly reasonable argument. However, that is just a lie they tell themselves. They say it, but that's not what they're thinking. They are really thinking "Oh, how can I feel bad for those people? They are not mine." So, keep your patient thinking always about what is theirs, until they die and then they become _ours_.

Now, we are able to use words to help us, but the Enemy does the same, and He's even more adept at this since the words are His creation. So, what we must also do is take away the power of some words. One phrase you should use is "It's just words." You understand? Just. Words. Downplay the importance of words, make them feel that words in the form of speech or in writing are impotent. It amazes me that they fall for this, because without words, nothing could ever be accomplished in the human world. Words make the world go round. They can be changed to their very souls with words. Words start revolutions, words make peace, words can heal or break hearts, words can create and destroy. Words are audible or visible thoughts, and thought is power. Therefore, words are power. So, keep the animals from seeing the power.

One especially easy way for a word to lose its power if the humans hear it enough. Example: a former patient of mine would always say, "I swear" about anything. "I swear I'm telling the truth. I swear it was just here. I swear to God the check is in the mail." He used this phrase so often that he almost never understood what he was saying. When a human swears about something, that human is promising on their honor that what they are saying is true. He said it so often, it was just a normal routine no different than saying hello or goodbye. Even better, since it lost all meaning to him, he would often swear to things he knew to be false. So, not only did the words have no meaning to him, it led him into dishonesty. A recent example: since the American humans went to war in Iraq, the words "weapons of mass destruction" have been repeated so often that they've lost all meaning to the public. Class, do you realize how great an achievement that is? Devices created to kill hundreds or thousands of humans in one shot are now almost outdated because of words.

An even better way to take away the power of the words is the normalcy of some words. There are many words that are commonplace. Good, evil, love, hate, freedom, honesty, father, mother, human, God, child, death, work, food, money, home, nature, and things like that. These are words that are of great importance, but they are common to most humans. Let them take these words, and thus the concepts, for granted. Never allow them to contemplate that a day might come when those words may be frowned upon or taken away. A mortal who has never worried about death may laugh at the word, but faced with a real encounter with it, they will balk at the mere mention of the word. Even better is how they take the word "soul" for granted. Most of them are very hazy as to what a soul even is! This is a perfect confusion of words for you to work with. People say offhandedly that they'd sell their souls for something and they have no concept of the ramifications of this statement.

Aside from manipulating the way humans think of words, you must also help them along the way to active misuse of words. You know the obvious choice would be lying, but there is a very effective vice that is not only deceptive, but can be unknowingly deceptive. This is known as a rumor. It starts out with a human finding out a story (it doesn't matter whether or not it is true), either by somebody admitting the secret or by overhearing somebody talk about it. It is usually a secret or a story about somebody else that is none of their business. Once the human hears the story he or she will want to tell another human all about it. Secrets are hard for humans to keep, they can build up inside them like steam in kettle until it comes shooting out. Once they tell someone the secret, the person who was told will tell someone else. That person will in turn tell somebody else, and on and on and on. Along the way, a human may misunderstand part of the story and relay the story with this misunderstanding as part of the story. Or a human may deliberately embellish on the tale to make it more interesting. These exchanges of misinformation can spread like a plague until everyone in the community has heard it. Curiously, they all usually take these rumors as fact. They don't question it or think about it, they just tell everyone they can find. In the end, feelings can be hurt, reputations can be tarnished, and friendships can be ruined.

A similar vice is gossip, which can sometimes include spreading rumors. Human vermin get together to talk, usually about people or things they don't like. They talk about how much they dislike the person and can say all sorts of hurtful things. "He's a jerk." "She's a slut." "He's a crybaby." "She's fat." "He's stupid." She's ugly." And so on. They can spend hours assassinating the person's character or physical appearance. They talk about who has had sex with whom, how mad they are they didn't get a job or a car or some other thing they wanted, how much money they make compared to others. The entire conversation is filled with insults, hatred, envy, pride, pettiness, lies, slander, prejudice, resentment, and assorted viciousness. This vice is especially prevalent among the young females. Rumors and gossip, which are collectively called "word of mouth", are great tools in fostering fear and hatred. Once enough humans have spread around misinformation, they assume that since everyone knows about it, it must be true. If enough people have heard enough times that Jim cheated on his girlfriend, Monica steals from her job, or the Widow Robertson killed her husband, they'll believe it without question. Then the subject of this libel will become a pariah in the community, and the gossipers will develop a sort of solidarity because they know the so-called truth. Even better is if the person in question is not well known and a little mysterious, then the rumors are usually not true from the beginning and are mostly hearsay and speculation. This will make them afraid and suspicious about the human in question. Once this happens, it is a cinch to whip up hysteria, paranoia, panic and mob mentality. We primarily used this strategy back in the days of the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, McCarthyism. If someone was a little suspicious, we'd help whip up a rumor and soon the mortal would be arrested or killed. Today, we're trying to cultivate the same reaction in the aftermath of terrorism.

What you should be sure to do in these vices of mishandling words is guide your patients in the way the interpret words. Interpretation has been invaluable to both sides in the Great Conflict. Given the right direction, a human can interpret, or misinterpret any thought to mean anything. The Enemy tells them to live in the present, to be concerned today with what they do today, and they have interpreted "living in the present" means doing whatever they want without thinking of the consequences. Just like the euphemistic twaddle they use to water down their sins, they can grapple with any thought and twist it into a new thought. At times, a statement can be interpreted to mean what it literally says, and other times it can be interpreted to mean anything, including the opposite of what it says. Either way, the outcome will almost always be that the statement will mean whatever they want it to mean. This can develop into a streak of dishonesty and denial of what they know to be right or true.

When humans are emotionally involved, be it with family, lovers or just friends, words can take on many hidden meanings. One example is "I'm fine" or "nothing." Humans say this when they are angry. They become upset and when another human asks them what's wrong and they answer, "It's nothing." Or "I'm fine." They don't come out and say what is bothering them, they choose rather to keep it all inside and play the martyr. A related occurrence is when they say, "Do whatever you want." If a couple has made plans or one just assumes the other will do something with/for them, and then the person decides to do something else. A man comes home on a night when he and his wife were going to go out to dinner, and then he says that he's decided to go out with his friends. The wife would be angry, but she would just say, "Do whatever you want." There is so much double talk among humans that "love" each other, one wonders why the Enemy even wants them to experience this lunacy when it's so saturated with our language.

Now, many of you have probably noticed that I've gone through this lesson without mentioning profanity yet. This is because profanity is the easiest vice of words the humans can fall into. To most humans, swearing is habit. They get angry and they curse, it is not that difficult. They all know the words, they just need to be angry enough to use them. Just wait until they are aggravated enough then suggest they take the Enemy's Name in vain or spout out one of their words for defecating or sex. This kind of sin takes minimal prompting. Just let the element of Wrath do its job of blowing away their inhibitions then have them spout of a line of profanities. In the heat of Wrath, I've seen patients wish other humans to be sent down here, be killed, eat feces and have intercourse with animals or their parents. It's beautiful. Sometimes, they can be so enraged that they actually curse at inanimate objects. They say it like they actually expect Enemy to damn a slow running computer to Hell.

What is even more beneficial is for a human to use foul language when there is no reason to. In circumstances of extreme stress, a human may be expected to swear, but what you may want to do is just have them use profanity in any situation with no provocation whatsoever. This is similar to what we discussed in our lesson on love, where I said that some humans prefer to use other terms for sex. Humans can go around calling women "bitches", calling anything they don't like "shit", or in some cases they even call things they do like "shit", and just using the word "fuck" in any situation even if it doesn't involve sex. I will give you an example. I went by the Hall of Records and picked up this transcript of a conversation between several humans on the day of their deaths. I'll read aloud from a section of it. Forgive the impersonal identifications. The transcriber apparently didn't know any of the humans' names.

MAN WITH BIG CHIN: Let me tell you what "Like a Virgin" is about. It's all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick. The entire song. It's a metaphor for big dicks.

SQUINTY-EYED MAN: No, no. It's about a girl who is very vulnerable. She's been fucked over a few times. Then she meets some guy who's really sensitive...

MAN WITH BIG CHIN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Time out Greenbay. Tell that fucking bullshit to the tourists.

OLD BALD MAN: Toby... Who the fuck is Toby? Toby...

MAN WITH BIG CHIN: "Like a Virgin" is not about this nice girl who meets a nice fella. That's what "True Blue" is about, now, granted, no argument about that.

SKINNY MAN: Which one is "True Blue"?

YOUNG FAT MAN: "True Blue" was a big ass hit for Madonna. I don't even follow this Tops In Pops shit, and I've at least heard of "True Blue".

SKINY MAN: Look, asshole, I didn't say I ain't heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna fan. Personally, I can do without her.

BUG-EYED MAN: I like her early stuff. You know, "Lucky Star", "Borderline" - but once she got into her "Papa Don't Preach" phase, I don't know, I tuned out.

MAN WITH BIG CHIN: Hey, you guys are making me lose my... train of thought here. I was saying something, what was it?

OLD BALD MAN: Oh, Toby was this Chinese girl, what was her last name? (Old Bald Man takes out a small book)

MAN WITH TOOTHPICK: What's that?

OLD BALD MAN: I found this old address book in a jacket I ain't worn in a coon's age. What was that name?

MAN WITH BIG CHIN: What the fuck was I talking about?

BUG-EYED MAN: You said "True Blue" was about a nice girl, a sensitive girl who meets a nice guy, and that "Like a Virgin" was a metaphor for big dicks.

MAN WITH BIG CHIN: Lemme tell you what "Like a Virgin" is about. It's all about this cooze who's a regular fuck machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

OLD MAN WITH MUSTACHE: How many dicks is that?

MAN WITH TOOTHPICK: A lot.

MAN WITH BIG CHIN: Then one day she meets this John Holmes motherfucker and it's like, whoa baby, I mean this cat is like Charles Bronson in _The Great Escape_, he's digging tunnels. Now, she's getting' the serious dick action and she's feeling something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain.

OLD BALD MAN: Chew? Toby Chew?

MAN WITH BIG CHIN: It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her, you know, her pussy should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat fucks her it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time. You see the pain is reminding a fuck machine what it once was like to be a virgin. Hence, "Like a Virgin".

OLD BALD MAN: Wong?

MAN WITH TOOTHPICK: Give me this fucking thing. (MAN WITH TOOTHPICK takes book away from OLD BALD MAN)

OLD BALD MAN: What do you think you're doing? Give me back my book!

MAN WITH TOOTHPICK: I'm sick of fucking hearing it Joe, I'll give it back to you when we leave.

OLD BALD MAN: What do you mean, give it to me when we leave, give it back now.

MAN WITH TOOTHPICK: For the past fifteen minutes, you've been droning on about names. Toby. Toby? Toby? Toby Wong. Toby Wong? Toby Wong. Toby Chung? Fucking Charlie Chan. I got Madonna's big dick coming out of my left ear, and Toby the Jap... I-don't-know-what coming out of my right.

The transcript goes on and on like this for eleven pages. Quite eloquent bunch of gentlemen, aren't they? At this moment on Earth, there are millions of humans who talk like this. Even if the sin is not as delectable as a malicious lie, they are still making themselves into paragons of rudeness. Rudeness may not insure a soul's damnation, but it can be useful in choke out kindness and isolating your patient from other humans. If a human is rude, he or she will be prone offending other humans away with their gutter mouth. If your human is isolated it will be easier to attack, just like any straggler that is picked off when it's missing from the herd.

What this attitude of speech is really useful in propagating is irreverence. Nothing is sacred to humans today and we must maintain this. Let them just accept that since society holds nothing sacred, it is foolish for them to hold anything in any sort of respect or reverence. Appeal to their sense of humor and pride; let them see themselves as bold or honest in their vulgar speech. They can be taught to think that the more crude and uncouth their language is, the more "free" it is.

A human that makes a habit of speaking like this may eventually lose the sense of decorum or respect for others. All they will care about is how they express themselves. It's a common vice; humans are all for freedom of speech, but only for the type of speech that they like. If a human says certain words or ideas and another human doesn't like the words or ideas, they'll brand that person a Fascist who wants to oppress them; and at the other end of the spectrum, the group who is offended may launch attacks against offending words or ideas and have them banned, thus negating the whole idea of free speech. It's a beautiful little hypocrisy, isn't it?

There's one other way we can battle the power of words: stifling them. When oppressive regimes force human communication underfoot, fewer people learn the truth. In some cases we don't even need a word banned or outlawed, we just need public opinion to swing in opposition to it. What better way to rob words of their power and rob humans of power when they are afraid to speak? Having them afraid of being arrested or executed for sating or thinking something is all well and goof, but what is even better is when they simply keep silent because they don't want to be unpopular or are afraid they might lose the love of someone they care for. They see an injustice and they don't speak up. They have a difference of opinion and they don't defend their side. They believe something or live a certain way and are forced to keep silent to keep up pretenses. It's a wonderful torment to box them into a corner where they are unable to take advantage of freedom of speech because they have something to lose by using it. I love the no win situation. Feed that fear until it consumes them. Make them afraid to say anything that might turn people against them. Give them dozens of hypothetical situations in which they speak their mind and have their world torn apart.

I've seen it happen before in countless cases. I was once assigned to a man in Mississippi whose daughter hid her relationship with her boyfriend from him for three years because he was prejudice against black people. Needless to say, _I_ knew all along and three years of her feelings of helplessness and misery were an added bonus to my work on her father. Unpopular opinion is a priceless asset to the cause, especially if the point the person disagrees on is of moral implication. Then, you not only make them feel helpless and alone, you make them feel guilty about their own opinions! The Enemy says "the Truth will set you free." So, make sure they are afraid to tell the truth. If on the other hand, you find yourself in the position I was in, being the tempter of the party who the secret is being kept from, work on their intolerance and stubbornness. Inflame their prejudices and try to instill the familiarity with reality as they are accustomed to it, so that if they ever find out the secret they will lash out. That way, you can ensure that the secret keeper is stuck in the no win scenario.

So, when you are assigned to your humans, don't forget to choose your words carefully. Remember to give them the proper context, and to say them at the right time. If Enemy words are used against yours, be ready to nullify their power in the vermin's mind. And keep your eyes set on the day when you finally capture them and they're somewhere where all the denials, interpretation, cursing or silence can't save them.

Now, next week, we're going to have a guest speaker. He's a very successful active tempter currently stationed in Los Angeles, California. His advice will be coming straight from the front lines, so pay attention. I want all of you to be on your worst behavior and be sure to show him due respect and fear. If you don't show him proper respect, it will reflect badly on the college; and if you cause the college humiliation, I promise you that the faculty will make sure you pay dearly. For starters, punishment will include mandatory detention for all of you until further notice, confiscation of your possessions, eviction from your dormitories, and the only available food will be that tasteless lawyer-loaf they feed the hellhounds. And then, I will turn all of you inside out over a very long period of time.

Class dismissed.


	11. The Guest Speaker

Chapter 11: The Guest Speaker

Good morning, class.

Now, today will be a little different because I will not be giving the lesson. Today, we have a special guest speaker. He's a tempter from the Entertainment Department. Please welcome Glitzstain!

**Hi, how ya doin'? Pleased to meet ya, hope you guess my name! HAHAAA! Wow, fine lookin' bunch of kids you got here, Teach! Judgin' by the look of them, I'm bettin' they end up toasted on a bun after their first assignment.**

Indeed. If they were any dumber, I'd be teaching human beings.

**Wow, that ain't good. Ah well, we gotta try. Anyway, I'm here to teach all ya little imps about entertainment and how we use it to bring souls down here. I bet a lot of you are thinkin' "But Glitzstain, why would we want humans to be entertained? Shouldn't we be tryin' to make them evil and miserable?" Well, kiddos, that's true, but one of our best tactics is infiltrating their art. We've been doin' it for centuries in all mediums; plays, books, music, the works. And ever since they invented the motion picture and television, whoo boy, we've been busy at the office! **

**See, the Enemy gave the hairless monkeys imagination and a need to lighten up their mayfly stint on Earth with stupid fantasies to give 'em an escape from reality or to make their current reality seem more worthwhile. Pathetic, huh? Humans don't want to constantly face reality, so they make up stories and tell 'em. Normally, this would be good since this is technically a lie, but then the Enemy went and ruined it. Instead of being harmful deceptions, they were turned into ways of explainin' human nature. The old myths and legends all reflect the societies they came from, and gave an example of what they could achieve. Other times, stories throw our tactics into relief so humans can see 'em. Even authors who don't believe in the Enemy can sometimes get humans to notice stupidity, hypocrisy and dishonesty somewhere we didn't want 'em to. **

**Now ancient Rome had decent entertainment. Gladiators, public executions, it was awesome! And the best part was the aristocracy used the entertainment to distract the people so they wouldn't notice how much they were bein' exploited. They called it "bread and circuses." I call it profitable! This is exactly what we need entertainment to be: a distraction. Keep their noses in books and butts parked in front of the TV or movie screen until they've lost all touch with the real world. As long as you keep 'em lost in the fantasy world, they'll never actually experience life to the fullest. They can even be so wrapped up in the fiction, they end up knowin' more about the nonexistent stuff than anything in the real world. **

**That may sound out there, but it's true. You imps have no idea how amazingly ignorant these suckers are. They can name characters in the **_**Star Wars**_** movies that are on screen a total of two minutes, they know the names of every episode of **_**I Love Lucy **_**by heart, and they know how to win a **_**Resident Evil**_** game in under fifty hours. But try askin' these dopes about anything of historical consequence, political issue or moral ambiguity and they'll stare at you like you just grew another head. Even the knowledge that they do have about stuff like that isn't from studying or research. Know where they got it? TV! They think of Moses, they think of Charlton Heston. They think of Karen Silkwood, they think Meryl Streep. The Apollo 13 disaster? Tom Hanks. If somebody told them the Madonna gave birth to the Enemy's Son, they'd ask "Really? Was that before or after she released **_**Like A Virgin**_**?" I guarantee you, if there weren't movies about this crap, most humans wouldn't know anything about it.**

**Few humans read or learn about things of their own choice. Usually they only learn about things if they're forced to for school or work or somethin'. Usually, humans don't bother tryin' to learn new things because we tell 'em that they already know everything there is to know. They're more than ready to believe that, especially if their tempters have worked on their pride right. It's even easier to get them to think they know everything if they're young. When they're young, they don't want help, or want to need help. They want to believe that they're all grown up and independent, so they think that there's nothing left to learn.**

**Or even better, just let 'em slip into a regular routine and try not to let 'em deviate from it. I once kept a human from reading the Bible on the nightstand for twenty years because he just never got around to it in his routine. If they end up doin' the same things every day, it's pretty much a given that they'll never come into contact with any information they hadn't heard before. Am I right or am I right, Staggy?**

That's "Professor Stagrench" if you please.

**Whatever. Anyway, if the human's really a fan of somethin', he or she might start looking into it, reading up on it. If this happens, don't panic. It depends on what the subject is. If it's some trivial thing like, say for instance, _Star Trek_, the situation is salvageable. If they look up all the types of starships, the species of aliens and learn how to speak Klingon, it's not a big problem. _But_, don't let 'em examine the underlying messages in the shows. See, that's the big danger in any of fantasy, the Enemy usually tries to mix His principles and propaganda into the story. It's everywhere, in fact some of the biggest fantasy franchises, _The Lord of the Rings_, _The Chronicles of Narnia_, _Harry Potter_ and _Star Wars_ are soaked with subtext about Him. What you want to do is use the mythology to distract the saps from the truth He's tryin' to sell 'em. Let 'em read up on where Gandalf came in or how the Jedi order was founded, but not the implications the story could have in real life.**

**Another way to distract the monkeys is get 'em to obsess over the characters. They make up fan clubs and websites based on certain characters. Spock, Frodo, Superman, Luke Skywalker; to some humans these made up characters have more significance than real people. This might not get to the level of full-fledged idolatry, but it's enough to keep 'em busy. They even obsess over the relationships of these imaginary people. Do you have any idea how many websites there are devoted to some couple called Ross and Rachel? They preoccupy themselves with the love lives of people who don't exist! I had a patient who was a fan of the relationship between Buffy the Vampire Slayer and a vampire named Spike; he wrote six fanfictions about it. Pathetic little geek, but it's more or less harmless to my hold on him. But I ran into a problem when he started postin' a morality tale based on the stories of that Lewis jerk that gave us so much trouble.**

**If they _do_ end up seein' the morals or messages in the story, just convince 'em that they're "overanalyzing" and should just sit back and enjoy the show. Don't have 'em think too much on the shows or movies beyond if they're fun to watch. That way, they'll just sit there in front of the TV and be total zombies reactin' to whatever they see without a single thought passin' through their cranium. This way, your patient will turn into a type of human I've seen a lot of: the couch potato. To these losers, the TV set is the new golden calf; it teaches 'em, it talks to 'em, and in some cases, tells 'em what to think. Just mix in a little sloth and apathy and you can keep your human watchin' instead of doin'. There are some of these human pests that are so engrossed with TV, they plan their whole lives around their veiwin' schedule. And lemme tell ya, there ain't nothin' like mashed couch potatoes with lots of lethargy gravy. Mmm-mmm, good!**

**You could also use the amount of TV they watch to make 'em unprepared for the real world. If they spend more time watching TV than actually interactin' with people, they'll be in for a big wake up call. The world of the shows and films are idealized; the good guys are pure and always win and the bad guys wear black and always lose. Relationships are never too complicated that they can't end up back together by the end of the season. The places and people are elegant and beautiful. If a problem comes up, somehow everything works out by the end of the episode, unless it's a two-parter. Nobody important ever dies, and if they do, they'll be brought back to life or replaced by another character. Nobody ever does anything wrong by choice, it's always because of amnesia, mind control or an evil twin. People get shot or stabbed, but nobody ever gets really hurt. The handsome prince and the beautiful princess always end up together and everybody always lives happily ever after. Just get the dupes to think that if it happens on TV, it should happen in real life, and then sit back and watch as they get an unwelcome reality check.**

**Then there's the trend among viewers called the "cult following." Don't get all excited, it's not what it sounds like. There's no fanatical religious violence, sorry to say. It's called a "cult following" because the fans are fewer in number than fans of other stuff, like how there were less worshippers in Jim Jones' church than in the Enemy's. See, if a movie or show or book is well received by most of the general public, it's a mainstream success; but if the movie is only a moderate success or a complete loss, and there are a few people who still like it, then that is a cult following. There are lots of "cult" shows and movies that appeal to a select few fans, and these fans can be extremely loyal to the show and each other. These chumps get a kind of solidarity and feel of superiority opposed to people who aren't fans. They can rally to the cause if their show or whatever is attacked. Some guy says the movie is dumb or the show is boring, these guys will come in guns a-blazin' (figuratively speakin', unfortunately) in defense of it. And like any group loyal to a certain cause, they can end up a breeding ground of mutual respect, superiority to outsiders, and lots of other stuff that can build up their pride.**

**Probably my favorite result of the pests bein' obsessed with entertainment is celebrity worship. Naturally, we should encourage 'em to worship anything besides the Big Jerk Upstairs. These saps become obsessed with these other saps because they're famous, though I don't know why, being famous on Earth doesn't really count for much if they're down here. Anyway, in the most tame version, these humans are just fans of the person's work. They may be enthusiastic, but it's not much help for getting' a soul. But the more extreme cases are a lot more fun. The celebrity becomes the focal point of the vermin's life. I've seen humans with shrines built to their favorite celebrities, their rooms decorated with pictures and memorabilia, dressing the same as the celebrity. They even come up with deluded fantasies about 'em. These humans usually have no self-esteem or sense of self, which is why they fill their selfhood with people who they see as everything they want to be. Make 'em think what they're feelin' is love, but it's just selfish, needy obsession. These chumps are volatile, they'll do almost anything for the object of their fixation. They send threatening and perverted letters, they follow 'em around, they even do outrageous acts in the name of their "beloved" celebrity. I heard about a guy who tried to kill one of the American presidents to impress some hot young actress. You just need to keep feedin' their fantasies until they're ready to do anything for famous people who don't even know who they are. Pathetic, ain't it, Staggy?**

That's "Professor Stagrench."

**Whatever. Anyways, there's more to the Entertainment Division than just the audience, there's also the chumps that work in the business itself. Like Staggy told you, I'm stationed in L.A., Hollywood, the Mecca of stardom. Los Angeles, the City of Angels, I can't tell ya how much I am lovin' the irony! Cause, if any of you have been to L.A., you know there's nothin' angelic there. It's a town full of broken hearts, broken dreams, desperation, and a really spectacular crime rate. See, all humans have some creativity, but they gotta be somethin' really, really unique to make it. If you're thinkin' I'm gonna say we make deals with people to give 'em talent or success for their souls, you're wrong. I'm afraid that's a myth. See, we can't create or make anything good, that's strictly Enemy territory, therefore we can't give 'em talent or the capacity to create. The real way we get 'em to "sell their souls" is by usin' dishonest and demeanin' tactics to get famous. Stuff like, havin' connections in the business; a friend in an agency or a relative of a producer. Or they could just sleep their way to success. They sell out their principles and self-respect, and sometimes they even compromise the integrity of their work to get famous. _That's_ how we get 'em to sell out to us.**

**One of the laws of fame is that it lasts for fifteen minutes. Figuratively speaking, of course. Half of all celebrities are favors of the month, they just fade into the background after a while only to be replaced by another. This is especially true with young girl stars, like how the public dumped Hillary Duff as soon as that new girl, Miley Ray Cyrus came on the scene. If they get too old or a new younger, hotter girl comes on the scene, they get replaced in the public eye. It's awesome! It's like _Logan's Run_, but real! But, if me and the boys in my department have done our job right, the celebrities will be attention addicts who will do anything to stay famous. So, we encourage them to do publicity stunts. You heard of celebrities donatin' to charity, gettin' married or havin' children? Well, we've been able to make all that stuff work for us. When they give money to charity, our tempters make 'em do it so that the people will pay attention to 'em again and any good that they do is incidental. Hollywood marriages have little to no credibility, I've seen Vegas marriages that were taken more seriously, and they lasted longer too. The dupes meet each other, go out for a while, get married and divorced in about six months. The public watch these marriages like they're the fictional couples we talked about earlier. They watch 'em cause they look good together and to see if they break up. We get 'em to use these relationships to help their career, same with havin' kids. "Ooh, So-and-so's getting' married! So-and-so's havin' a kid!" Gets the spotlight back on 'em.**

**You'd think that with the kind of devotion these people inspire in the masses, celebrities would be on Cloud Nine all the time. Well, guess again. Bein' famous ain't what it's cracked up to be. Once a human is a celebrity, they can kiss privacy goodbye. They get money, fame and all that junk, and in exchange they get to have the whole world watch every move they make, even when they ain't on the job. Everywhere they go there's screamin' fans, paparazzi, and reporters all fightin' to get a little piece of 'em. They wanted people to know who they are, well be careful what you wish for! HAHAAA! Whatever they do, no matter how insignificant, will end up in the papers. This is why celebrities have agents to help with their public image; one burst of anger or rude comment and the audience will turn on them in a second. The masses are fickle, and as much as they like watchin' stars, they love to watch a star fall. And with the kind of tempters we got assigned to these suckers and in the media, we can destroy stars in a snap. With all the pressure from their work schedule and the press, most of them turn to alcohol, drugs, partyin' and the occasional run in with the cops. Drivin' drunk, getting' arrested, goin' to rehab and dyin' young is practically the new cool thing for famous people. And believe you me, if they started in the business young, you can really mess with their heads. Just look at what my pals Snaptooth and Trenchmouth have done with Britney Spears and Michael Jackson. HAHAAA!**

**Then there's the finished product. You've all probably know about how we use movies, shows and books to help spread our values to them, so I'll pass it over. When it comes to the actual material the humans watch, read or listen to, we try to make sure that it comes out as rotten as possible. The Enemy wants these so-called "arts" to enrich their souls, to open their minds to new ideas, so we go the opposite way. We've used our connections in the entertainment industry to make shows, movies and books that are devoid of anythin' that could help 'em. No upliftin' messages, no insight into their nature, no social commentary, nothin'. We've been tryin' to ensure that entertainment in every medium is motivated by cash and not actual substance.**

**When I'm assigned to writers and producers, I specialize in bells and whistles. Instead of the actual work, I make it all about the presentation. I try and have 'em make movies that are three pages of story and a hundred pages of everything else. I give 'em characters that are one dimensional, plots that make no sense, bad actin', bad direction, and nothin' with any depth of any kind. Then, I add stuff to pad what little story there is; excessive special effects, overly choreographed fight scenes, shots of bare boobs, some nice explosions, and some big name celebrities that the producers assume can make it a success based on their clout. And thus we arrive at makin' a movie that has no real substance of any kind, and is basically an hour and a half of loud noises and shiny things. We've also tried snuffin' out originality with a craze that we've had a lot of success with over the past decade: remakes and sequels. See, instead of comin' up with new and excitin' ideas, they just repackage old ideas and sell 'em to the public all over again. I can think of a dozen movies that we've had 'em remake. And if it's not a remake of a movie, it's a movie based on an old TV show. _Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle_ comes to mind as a prime example of this trend and of the "spectacle over substance" trend I just talked about.**

**In television, we take a slightly different turn. We still try to drown out anythin' they could get from it with sex, violence, bad actin' and horrible plots, but we can't turn _all_ TV shows into soap operas. So, we dumb down TV shows usin' the networks. With their ratings lust, they usually just go for shows that reach only the lowest common denominator. They don't make it too smart cause then people might learn somethin' and not watch TV, and they don't make it too dumb cause then they might not watch TV cause it sucks. They can't have too much violence, cursing or sexy material cause they'll anger special interest groups and they can't be too conservative with all that stuff cause then the common man won't idenitify with it. So, what they end up with is a totally soulless, mediocre, vanilla flavored product that doesn't offend, provoke or entertain anyone but the dullest people. We try to discourage the execs from makin' shows based on fresh new ideas and instead have 'em remake the same old thing. We rehash plots or settings and other ideas from old shows ad just repackage them. It's not a total remake, but all originality is totally absent. We've even had 'em cancel a few shows that we thought would've been a threat to the status quo.**

**We've also helped 'em create reality TV, a type of show that almost always benefits us. The formula is always the same: a group of people are part of a competition for some prize, and it usually involves secret alliances, deceit and personal humiliation. This is different from game shows, here the chumps' intelligence ain't bein' judged and the conditions are worse. You got _Survivor_, where a bunch of people are dumped on a desert island and forced to live in the woods with none of the modern luxuries. They have to boil water to make it clean for drinking and sometimes eat bugs and rats. If this is what they want to watch, I don't know why they don't just send a camera crew and turn life in third world countries into a show. Though, if they were hungry, they shoulda just eaten the cameraman. These shows ain't all as obviously degradin'. We also got _The Real World_ and _Big Brother_, which follow the same principle, but they're just stuck in a big house. We also got celebrity reality shows that focus on the personal lives of famous people. Yeah, that's entertainment, watching some famous people go through the everyday crap that the audience does. We got secret spy shows that people who have cameras follow their lover around to see if they're cheatin'; I guess they could just talk to 'em, but who wants to watch that? We got dating shows that have people jumpin' through hoops for the affection for some "eligible bachelor" who's usually a millionaire (or so they're told). We had make over shows that emphasize our image of the importance of outward beauty. One show in particular called _The Swan_ even included plastic surgery for this. We got _American Idol_; not only is the whole idea of idols in the title, but it's basically an over-hyped karaoke contest that does away with all the hard work a real music star goes through and just has 'em sing songs that other people wrote. It's the usual get rich quick, shortcut to stardom that we've been sellin' them from the start. And I just love Simon Cowell! The boys at the office know just the place to display him when he gets here. HAHAA! And of course, there's _The Jerry Springer Show_… which speaks for itself.**

**Then there's music. Music is actually why I requested bein' in the Entertainment Department. Back before we left Heaven, the Enemy forced me to be part of the Choir, and I've always tried to do what I can to mess with music to avenge myself against Him for makin' me create music. What I try to have 'em do is make music that is as unmusical as it can be. I make it cacophonous and vulgar. This kind of music usually appears in rock music, but don't get all excited. Despite what some humans think, we don't own rock and roll or even all of heavy metal. All music is inherently the Enemy's, it's what we do with it that favors us. The old story about all rockers being devil worshippers is sadly not true. These guys were rebels at their core, they just invoked us to scare or anger the squares. The whole subliminal messages and stuff is bull, but that would be cool if it were true.**

**By today's standards, the heavy metal of the old days is tame compared to today. Not long ago, "I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night" was considered a dangerous song. Now, we got stuff like "Angel of Death" by Slayer that makes that look like the theme song for _Happy Days_. We've propagated a lot of anti-Christian, nihilist, occult, atheist, misanthropic and violent sentiments in bands and their music, and in certain rap and hip hop artists, we've packed songs that talk about shootin' people and callin' women hoes. But don't think that we own the genres, cause in every case there are a few artists who try to actually speak to the idiot masses about social problems. Besides the creation of Christian rock and metal, we've even had cases where the supposed "evil" rockers were lost. My cousin Ashpin is servin' a stint in the House of Corrections for lettin' Alice Cooper be converted. And imagine my shock when I heard that Black Sabbath, a staple in this dark facade around metal, made a song called "After Forever" which was full of Enemy messages.**

**And scrapping the bottom of the barrel of entertainment is internet videos. This is a kind of entertainment that seems too stupid even for humans. I might be able to understand if it was just clips from movies, music videos or even porn, but the sort of stuff that they watch is ridiculous. They have videos that last fifteen seconds that are of animals crappin', babies laughin' and people getting' hit in the groin. OK, that last one is funny. Somehow, people even get to be celebrities from internet videos. Apparently, a prairie dog who looks into a camera, a kid who spins a golf club like a light saber, a sneezin' panda and an effeminate guy who cries about Britney Spears are now famous from web videos. So, to be famous now, some chumps just have to do something stupid and put it on the net. This is pathetic even by human standards. The only parallel I can think of is the old freak sideshows they used to have in circuses. **

**So, if you do it right, you can keep your patient engulfed with the shallow, poorly made, mind numbing garbage that some humans are convinced all entertainment is. I hope you crazy kids got somethin' out of this. Still, I guess we can't expect too much from ya. Am I right or am I right, Staggy? **

Professor Stagrench!

**Whatever**.

We thank you for your time, Glitzy.

**Hey, that's "Glitzstain," pal.**

Whatever.

**Ah, real funny, Stag. Well, I can't blame you for bein' mad. You obviously just didn't have the horns for bein' a tempter. It's like they say "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."**

Oh really? Well, my record speaks for itself. Ten thousand straight damnations. Whereas your record seems to have as many losses as damnations. Come to think of it, I seem to remember a rather large failure back in the 1600's involving a preacher named Bunyan. You were able to have him arrested, but once he was imprisoned, you were so caught up in this victory that you let him write a book. A book, I might add, that has become the most widely read piece of Enemy propaganda besides the Enemy Bible. What was it called? _Pilgrim's_… something?

**Well, it's been fun, but I gotta get back to L.A. for a meeting. We're discussin' our next move on the Fox Network. Thank you, thank you very much! You're beautiful! We'll do lunch! Ciao! HAHAA!**

Well, give Mr. Glitzstain a round of applause.

Ugh, what a tiresome fool. Well class, I hope you took notes on Glitzstain's lecture, because there will be a test on it later. And, before any of you get any ideas, don't even think about it. My name is Professor Stagrench. Not "Stag." Not "Staggy." Professor Stagrench. If I hear even the faintest rumor of you calling me anything else, the punishment will be swift and brutal. And I won't merely punish the offender. I will punish every single one of you.

Class dismissed.


	12. That Old Black Magic

Chapter 12: That Old Black Magic

Author's note: I researched some of this stuff on the occult and part of it is poetic license, so don't take everything in this chapter as totally true. Also, after this chapter, I'm going to put this story on hiatus. I've gotten way behind on my other fics. So I'm gonna take some time to work on them for a while. I will be back later this year, promise. We haven't seen the last of Professor Stagrench and his demonic lessons. In the meantime, you can check out the one shot sequel I have up called _Stagrench Meets An Old Friend_.

Good morning, class.

Now, today's class will be about the occult. Humans believe in and can sometimes even sense the presence of the supernatural. The ultimate source of this is the Enemy, of course. But we also have a certain level of power too, not anywhere near the level of the Tyrant Above, but enough to give mortals a scare. Humans, being the curious creatures they are, want to explore this unseen reality and the most obvious way is by seeking the Enemy. So what we try to do is give them an alternative to the Enemy.

I'm sure you've all heard of the ideas we've encouraged them to adopt, however, some of these supposedly "magical" things are actually harmless. Alchemy had less to do with anything spiritual and more to do with primitive attempts at science. It was chemistry not sorcery. Same with herbal medicines. Since the public didn't understand how it worked, it was still branded as magic. This was great fun during the days of the witch-hunts, since it provided some very amusing executions of innocent humans that simply knew an herbal remedy for sinus congestion. There were many practices that were more profitable: consulting the stars, spirits of dead people, positive and negative energies, necromancy, divination, potions, curses and the like.

Now, you're probably expecting me to go into a long explanation of how this stuff works. Well, class, it's really simple: it doesn't work. It never has and it never will. Ouija boards, palm reading, Tarot cards, mind reading, horoscopes; it's all bunk. Oh, we've convinced them that all that garbage works, but since when are we ever honest with them? In fact, the entire point of getting them to follow some of these paths is that it doesn't work. Once the sin of calling on another source for supernatural help besides the Enemy, the job is done regardless of the results of the practice. Back in the old days, King Ahab tried to perform a sacrifice to the god, Baal. Then, one of the Enemy's prophets, the rat called Elijah, made a challenge. There would be two altars: one in honor of Baal and one in honor of the Enemy, both sides would pray that fire would come and consume the sacrifice. The worshipers of Baal prayed and prayed but nothing happened; then the accursed prophet prayed to the Enemy and fire rained down and set the altar ablaze. You see? Baal didn't send fire because Baal doesn't exist, and it doesn't matter that he doesn't because the humans had already sinned by worshipping him. Any time a human worships something besides the Enemy, it's a sin, even if what they worship is nonexistent.

Even so, it is important to understand how the vermin are convinced that magic is real. They're superstitious and always have been because of how little they understand how the universe works. They don't see reality like we do, the inner workings of the Enemy's design is quite opaque to them. It's only in the last few centuries that they discovered and began to harness electricity. They don't fully understand the nature of existence and how do they react to something they don't understand? It makes them afraid. So they attribute natural phenomenon, the way events unfold and anything else they don't understand to being magic. Magic may be a mysterious concept, but it's something that they can at least name. They'd rather say "Oh it's magic" than say "Oh, I don't know what it is."

They are also convinced that inanimate objects have properties that give them supernatural power like uranium has radioactivity. Magic wands, talismans, four leaf clovers, crystals and all those stupid toys. This idea is nonsense, but some of them buy it. Even artifacts that pertain to the Enemy are seen as "magical" by some of them. You'll notice this when you encounter Christians who treat a cross as if it purified them by wearing it. This is the basis for the Indiana Jones movies, about that idiot with the whip trying to get the Arc of the Covenant and the Holy Grail. They show these things as if they had power in and of themselves in the movies. This is not the case; these things are just objects, symbols of faith and the power of the Enemy, they have no power without Him. A crucifix on a wall can't harm me, but the One who it depicts can.

Humans are crazy for symbols like that. They just love having a picture they can all get behind for religious, political or national reasons. They have to have symbols on anything and everything. They have symbols of religion, symbols of rank, company logos, the name of a band they like, symbols on road signs, and the symbol that millions of humans can rally around: the national flag. We never had a symbol back when the Insurrection began. We didn't need one. Spirits aren't as visually oriented as humans are. They're the ones who need a picture to strengthen an idea, all we need is an idea. Symbols are nothing but shapes in and of themselves, it's only when humans get a hold of them that they mean anything. And in fact, many symbols that are now synonymous with us were not always so. Take the swastika for instance. The symbol was used in ancient cultures in Europe and much of Eastern Asia as a religious symbol of harmony. It wasn't until the twentieth Century, when the Nazis emerged that it gained the stigma of being a symbol of evil. Similarly is the symbol that is today associated directly with us, the pentagram. The five pointed star shape has been around for centuries too. It's been applied to symbols of goddesses, Pythagorean mathematics, the elements of nature, and at one time, the Christians used it as a symbol for the five wounds of Christ. It wasn't until the last century that it became associated with us with the arrival of modern Satanism. But we'll get to that shortly. It's not just symbols that relate to us either. The cross was around long before they crucified the Enemy's Son, but after that fiasco, it's become inexorably connected since then.

Now, if you are assigned to a human who works in some fortune telling or spell casting, you'll need to know the tricks of the trade. If a human wants to con others into thinking they're psychic, they have to be observant and a judge of character, the same applies to any con artist. They observe body language, clothing, gender, age, race, or other features and go from there. They make guesses based on their visual information and instinct. If the customer is an older woman, the psychic might guess it has to do with a man. This could mean she has a question about her husband, or she could have a son, or a man in her life could have died; either way, the psychic can't be wrong. Or if it's a young man, the psychic might say it's about a woman, which could mean he's looking for love, or he just got out of a bad relationship, or he and his wife are having problems. The customer will latch onto these guesses and end up revealing more information about themselves. Suppose the older woman said, "Yes, my husband just died recently." The psychic could say "And I sense that he left you with a lot of responsibilities." The more he says, the more the customer gives away and the more the psychic has to work with.

Another trick is to have informants. A psychic could have people planted in the waiting room, let's say, and chat with someone else waiting to see him. The informant could be wearing a microphone and get all the person's questions on tape and give it to the psychic, or if they're ahead of the customer, they could be called in to "get their prediction" and in reality, give the psychic the info he's gathered from the customers. Whatever the techniques, the key to being a successful psychic is to make your predictions vague and open to interpretation. If the message is not clear, the human can go about his or her normal business and then have something happen which they can interpret to mean the prediction has come true. And of course, they should say ahead of time that "things are not always clear" in their predictions. That way, it excuses them from any mistakes that the "spirits" make.

There are cases where a psychic is given answers by their tempter, but these cases are rare since regular human tricks seem to be enough to make them think it's real. If you ever are in a situation where you do actually give the psychic answers, you will have to know the way it works. You will likely not be the only devil involved, you will get help from the tempter of the human who's asking the psychic for answers. Just ask the customer's tempter for any personal information you need and then tell it to your patient. You could also get help from a set of demons known as freelancers. Freelancers aren't assigned to individual humans like tempters are, instead they act as a reserve unit incase a tempter needs back up or needs information but doesn't want to leave the human alone and vulnerable to the Enemy. In this case, have the psychic make a prediction about the future and send a freelancer to scout the area or material for the prediction. If the customer asks if he'll get a promotion at work, send the freelancer to check what's happening at the man's job; if he asks if a girl is interested in him, send the freelancer to ask the girl's tempter how she feels about him. It's not looking into the future, it's just us giving them inside information, like if a human had read a book and then pretended they didn't know what happened and "predicted" how the story would end.

In one of my own assignments, a freelancer told me that a man in a bar across the street was getting ready to drive home drunk. The freelancer told me the drunken man's truck was white and had a lion painted on the side, so I told the psychic to warn the man about a white lion. When the man left the psychic, he pulled out of the parking space and was rear-ended by the drunk. Then he saw the picture of the lion, which could only mean the prediction had come true. See? I didn't look into the future, I merely knew about a danger and made it sound vague and spooky enough to make the human believe it.

The same happens when humans use Ouija boards or Tarot cards. They are just things, objects crafted by humans with no more magic properties than a can of hairspray. Humans make the planchette of the Ouija board move unconsciously. How do humans do this without realizing they are actually doing it, you ask? You have no idea how unaware of their own bodies and minds activities. They hardly even notice the sound of their heartbeats, so they could easily not notice this. And Tarot cards and horoscopes are just guesses and interpretations, just like psychics. The accuracy depends on whether the human believes in it or interprets it right. Their minds have a great deal of power when they are thoroughly convinced of something. I've seen humans become so convinced that they're sick, they actually show symptoms.

Whether or not these methods of divination work or not, they do have one positive effect for us. There may not be any magic, but there are humans with questions. When they sit down with these things and start asking questions, they are inviting us (though they don't know what we are) to come and answer them. That is our ticket into their lives. They are asking for whatever guidance we can give them, and what we always give them are lies or half-truths, either way, it's always the answer we want them to hear. But, I must admit, it can be a little annoying if you aren't the assigned tempter. When you are on Earth and one of these little brutes call out to the spirit world for help, you will hear the invitation no matter where you are on the planet. It can be very distracting, I can't even begin to tell you how many times I was in the middle of tempting my patient and heard some human call and ask about stupid questions. We got our revenge in the last century. The Ministry of Technology and the Department of Torment collaborated on creating a truly diabolical concept that involves humans calling each other at inopportune times and asking them stupid questions. It's called "Telemarketing."

Most mortals say that magic is the Devil's work, but this is rarely the case. As I've said, the supposed magic doesn't work and infernal intervention is rare. Active interference with human occult is monitored and controlled and must be done only when permission is granted. Remember that our aim at present is to keep the vermin as a whole ignorant of our existence. If too much infernal intervention occurs, it could alert them to our presence or make them consider that there could be more beyond their earthly life. This is the beneficial side effect of most "magic" being human interpretation and parlor tricks, it keeps the rest of them unbelieving and skeptical about us and, if all goes well, the Enemy.

This is the priority, even though we still have the position of professional haunter. I'm sure you've taken at least one course on haunting, if only because being a haunter is regarded as the most enjoyable position a devil can have on Earth. The job basically requires that you to play ghost and scare humans, which does have the immediate fun of tasting fear, but it is also the station with the largest arrest rate. The original aim is to terrify humans into believing that the Enemy isn't protecting them from spirits or that if there is a supernatural, then it isn't the one the Enemy tells them about. However, it can have the opposite effect, it can cause the human to turn to the Enemy out of fear. I've known fifteen haunters in my career and only two are still in active service, the rest have been sent to the House of Correction because they ended up scaring the humans straight into the Enemy's clutches. What good is there in temporary terror if it doesn't send souls to Our Father's House?

Anyway, back to magic. The humans who believe in magic are a minority, so they can go on with their practices and the rest of the public will just brush it aside. This way we can continue the status quo of disbelief and still have a few magicians. If a human believes in this stuff, then you have to keep them from questioning it. Always try and introduce doubt when they believe in the Enemy, but just give them reassurances that they're on the right track. Teach them to think that magic is user friendly. That it's a neutral power like electricity or oil that can be used for good or evil uses. That it's something like the Force in those stupid _Star Wars_ movies. But don't actually call it "the Force" or mention something from that movie or you run the risk of the patient realizing the ridiculousness of the idea. You must tread carefully to keep them believing. Some humans may be prone to believe anything they're told, but they're not all so idiotic as to believe _everything_ they're told.

Now, no lesson on the occult would be complete if I didn't mention devil worship. Contrary to human belief, not all magic is devil worship. As I've previously stated, most of it is the work of frauds, our interference with human mysticism is kept to a minimum, the magic practices and rituals are nonsense and there is no such thing as magic. The sin is still all there, but it doesn't usually involve us beyond the work of the patients' tempters. In most of these mystic religions, they don't even recognize our existence. But remember, it is not necessary to have them bow to us to turn them from Him.

In the present, there are two types of humans who follow Our Father Below. The first is the classic devil worshipper and the second is the Satanist. This may be hard to believe, but Satanists don't even believe that we exist! Astounding, isn't it? Modern Satanism was started by a human named Anton LaVey, a staunch materialist and occultist. He started an official Church of Satan in 1966, but the system does not in fact worship Our Father. Rather, they use him as a symbol, almost a mascot, of their philosophy. Their philosophy is self-worship, which is perfect since that is the best state a human can be in for our benefit.

The whole lifestyle is indulgence and denouncement of "spiritual pipe dreams." They advocate kindness to those who deserve it and cruelty to those who don't. An eye for an eye, not turning the other cheek. Their view of life is one of uninhibited personal gratification. They do unto others as they will. This is all so profitable that magic is just the cherry on the sundae and hardly needs to be included. This modern Satanism is very promising for the war effort. With an entire religion that denies the supernatural, but vaguely worships the self and some vague mystic energy, we are coming ever closer to the creation of the Materialist Magician.

They don't recognize the Enemy's idea of sins, but they do have a list of their own. They recognize intellectual sins instead of sins of passion or selfishness. These are the sins: stupidity, self-deception, herd conformity, pretentiousness, lacking aesthetics, lacking perspective, forgetting past orthodoxies, solipsism and counterproductive pride. It's funny since we actually _want_ humans to do all these things and these humans who named themselves after us don't. They even have a code of conduct: don't give opinions unless you are asked, don't harm children, show respect in another's home, and don't steal. This is actually a good thing for us, because this way it allows them to live a self centered life and still claim to have a moral standard.

On the other hand, we have traditional devil worship or theistic Satanism. This is the type of human that does believe in the supernatural and does worship Our Father as a real being. This is the type of devil worship that's been around before the last century. These vermin give Our Father the glory he deserves, as well as their souls, and in return he gives them "magic" power and earthly pleasures. These devil worshipers are a small group and there isn't a set dogma besides worshipping Our Father. There are some obvious things, such as blaspheming, magic and living a worldly life, of course. However, as a whole, they aren't an interconnected lot like the Enemy Church. Some live regular lives and simply pray to us, and some are psychopaths that perform the old black magic and animal sacrifices, among other things. Their ways are usually a mishmash of various occult practices with a devil plastered on the front.

These are the Satanists that the public is afraid of. The archetypes for the image of witches that we've used the last two millennia for witch-hunts. Fool humans playing with fire to discover some greater power or develop their selfhood. This usually involves the standard magic rituals, Satanic prayers, some "dark rights" and all that mumbo jumbo. Most of the magic in this, as well as LaVeyan Satanism, is mostly redressed rituals of old pagan cultures. They just add in a few chants of "Hail Satan", some evil looking symbols, and stuff like that to make it "official." Unfortunately, the more fun rituals like human sacrifice have been abandoned by most of these sects. We still get a few cases once in a while, but for those of us who remember the good old days when sacrifices were an every day occurrence, it's just not the same. The act of human and animal sacrifice is looked down on in the modern world, even among many devil worshippers. They ally themselves with us and don't have the stomach to spill blood, bunch of pansies. Still, we do occasionally get a few cases of murder in Our Father's name, but these are rare.

Some of these humans pledge their souls to us in some manner during demonic rituals for power and strength, this is as close to reality the myth of the Faustian deal comes. As Mr. Glitzstain pointed out in our last class, we don't make contracts with humans to get their souls. The reason is simply because we don't need to. Any soul who hasn't turned to the Enemy is ours by default. What needs to be done in that case is for the patient's tempter to keep him from finding the Enemy. Even if we did write up contracts and had a human sell their soul to us, the Enemy can break the deal in a second if they ask Him to.

Now, when tempting a human who practices this, you might end up doing some "creepy" during rituals. Levitating an object, change the room temperature, partial materialization and all those old parlor tricks. The human will usually be alone when you do this, or be among other believers, so you don't need to worry about exposure to humans you aren't authorized to interfere with. The humans will usually expect you to act as a servant, interpreter for the spirit world, or a protector, not unlike the enemy soldiers that are assigned to protect them. This idea of theirs is called the "familiar" spirit. If you become a familiar, you're going to have to endure some humiliation, because they usually view familiars as pets. But, remember that the greatest revenge is for you to keep the human on the downward road and eventually acquire the patient's soul. Just keep the human thinking that you are there to serve him, and once he dies, then you can show him that we serve man in the _Twilight Zone_ sense.

In either form of devil worship, the human usually sees Our Father as a hero because he was the first rebel. Humans have always loved rebels, it comes from their hatred of being told what to do. But they make a few mistakes in their reasoning of always loving rebels. Most humans assume rebels are fighting against some evil authority and are working for a glorious cause and the good of the people. Many rebels are rebelling for themselves only, and are sometimes so fanatical that they will kill anyone who gets in their way. Every terrorist organization considers themselves rebels in a righteous cause. I know because I was there when the Ku Klux Klan was founded and we fed them that line, and they've been swallowing it since. Stalin was part of a rebellion that changed Russia, and he's now synonymous with evil. In fact, most dictators have been rebels at some point. Once they had the power, they forgot all about the people and ran things as they saw fit.

They not only emulate him because he's a rebel, they view him as a Prometheus figure. For those of you young fiends who haven't studied ancient Greek, Prometheus was a god who defied the other gods and gave humans fire, which is seen as giving humans knowledge. Humans make a connection with this myth and how Our Father tempted the first vermin to disobey the Enemy and eat of the Tree of Knowledge. They assume that the Enemy wanted them to be ignorant and we set them free. Amazing that they believe this. Any knowledge that they gained is incidental, what we wanted was the sin and the disobedience. To this day, we still remain unsure why the Enemy didn't try to stop Our Father's temptation of the first humans, or even why He put that blasted tree there in the first place. It's been speculated that He hoped that the humans would obey His rule, but since He is omniscient, He should have known they wouldn't. Others have hypothesized that He intended the humans to fall from the get go, and that he's using our presence and existence of evil to somehow refine them. It's a shame that we didn't find out more information about the Divine Plan while we were still in Heaven, it might've given us more of an advantage in the war. What a sad state we're in that learning how such a deplorable fool like Him thinks is necessary for victory.

Still, we must continue to foster this idea that the Enemy promotes their ignorance and conformity and our rebellion stands to help them resist Him in the name of true freedom. Just gloss over the fact that everything we've ever done since the Kingdom of Noise was founded has been done to hinder them. We can't provide them with anything besides shallow pleasures and temporary satisfaction. Joy, pleasure, love; all that is the Enemy's creation. All we can do is tell them that the Enemy doesn't want them to enjoy themselves and then provide them with pleasures in times or degrees that the Enemy forbids and may cause them harm. We abstain from pleasures, loath the idea of personal freedom, have no regard for human life and hate the sight of anyone else being happy. So, we just purvey all that onto the Enemy Himself, and they believe it. Why? Because He's the authority and all authority is bad! Meanwhile, _we_ are rebels! And rebels are _always_ heroic, even when we want to destroy everyone!

There's also a third group of Satanists that are basically posers. This group is made of humans that follow the dark path because they think it's cool or interesting. They listen to heavy metal, wear a pentagram necklace, and wear black clothing and suddenly think they've earned a powerful position in the Lowerarchy. Some of these people are lonely and want meaning in their lives. They see Satanism as a social gathering, not unlike a human who goes to an Enemy church for social reasons. But in either case, they're exposed to the ideas, so even if the person doesn't come to worship us, they still could soak in some of our propaganda. Others might be angry at the mainstream, and turn to veneration of us to anger the "establishment." To these humans, our way isn't an end unto itself, but a tool to set themselves apart from everyone else. And still others might just be bored and think they'll get a thrill from the experience. They aren't interested in magic or power, they just come to get drunk and maybe have an orgy. Now, this may seem a mockery for these humans to claim allegiance with us without commitment, but Our Father himself has stated many times that it doesn't matter. Let the Enemy be concerned whether the human comes to Him for the right intentions, as long as it gets us a soul, it does not matter if the human who engages in devil worship is a true believer.

If you want to learn more about Anton LaVey and his work in establishing modern Satanism, the library includes the first editions of his works. If you're looking for something more direct, I'm afraid you're much too late. A few remaining fragments of his soul are still in circulation, but they're a very rare and expensive delicacy.

Now that you know the way the humans worship us, try and color all the non-Christian faiths with that image. If your patients are Christians, tell them that anyone who doesn't worship the Enemy exactly as they do is actually worshipping us. Countless humans have died for worshipping Our Father that never believed in him in any sense. Most pagans use the pentagram as the symbol of their faith, since it's an old symbol of fertility, nature and old religions. But, since the symbol is associated with us even more, it's easy to equate these humans to believe the pagans are devil worshipers. Wicca and all those modern pagan religions are dedicated to nature, old magic and old gods and goddesses. It may not have the flavor of Hell that Satanism has, but it still works if it keeps them from the Enemy. But the real fun is the prejudice we can enflame against these people.

The old days of the witch trials and burning people at the stake are gone, but we can still have some amusement in shunning, book burning and vandalism. The hysteria and mob mentality is almost as profitable as if there weren't any devil worshippers. To keep them from realizing that evil exists in all of them, we give them scapegoats to hate and view as personifications of evil and destroy. The witch has always been the first name on the list for this phenomenon. It's not just the practitioners that we convince about magic working, we scare the unbelievers into believing in it too. In the height of fear and hysteria, some humans can be convinced that even a handkerchief-up-the-sleeve trick could be our work. The only real way for humans to avoid the occult is simply by not participating in it. If they realized this, we'd lose out on the witch hunting fun. So, we point them to fictional accounts of magic, stuff that is, by definition, not real. Twenty years ago, our main scapegoat was the _Dungeons & Dragons_ game; today, it's the _Harry Potter _books (which were written by a disgusting woman who belongs to the Enemy). But don't limit yourself to that. Take anything that even hints at unreality and call it evil. Let them remove all fantasy from their lives. I've seen humans that don't let their kids believe in Santa Claus, watch Casper the Friendly Ghost or read Superman comic books because these characters weren't part of the real world, and thus, unnatural and evil. It's funny that they can get so riled up over a version over a fictional account of a nonexistent thing.

Next, I'll tell you about possession. This is one of our most famous feats. Even humans who don't believe in the Enemy or us have heard of possession. Usually, it's the main thing they associate us with. Now, the first thing you need to know is that not every human is eligible for possession. It all depends on the state of the creature's soul. It usually starts if the human is very receptive to suggestion, is weak willed person and does something to invite us into their lives. It usually involves some occult practice to contact this side, when their minds are open and vulnerable. Then, we slip in and take control of them.

Don't get too excited by this idea. Possession is a very rare practice. Most of the accounts of possession are actually cases of human mental illness. Again, this is good because it makes most of them skeptical and disbelieving about us. Maybe one in a hundred cases actually involve one of us inhabiting a human, and that's not likely to change. All possessions are coordinated and controlled by the Demonic Possession Commission, and unless you receive permission from them, you can't posses your human. Some tempters can go their entire careers without possessing a human once. If you do get permission, you should know what the job entails.

As a possessing agent, you can inflict your orders more directly, as opposed to the relatively gentle persuasion you'd use as a tempter. You can sometimes even take over the body entirely and have some real fun by inflicting physical pain on itself and others. But, if you are one of the few who are assigned a possession case, have some class about it. I'm sure you've seen that human movie, _The Exorcist_. Let me assure you that most possessions aren't like that, in fact, I've never met a devil that would conduct one like that. Senator Pazuzu was humiliated from the use of his name in that film. They portrayed him as a foulmouthed little troll who vomits pea soup.

If you want to be successful in any work among humans, remember that subtlety is everything. A destructive explosion may be enjoyable, but it also gets a lot of attention. The danger of possession is that you run the risk of being cast out of the human. Being forcibly evicted from a human is one of the worst things that can happen to a demon. This horrid phenomenon can be brought on by a preacher calling on the Enemy to cast you out, or by the possessed person himself asking the Enemy for help. It exposes you to the effects of the Enemy's direct power and that alone is an injury that won't heal quickly. Imagine the horror of that burning light that shines from the heart of Heaven bearing down on you, the power ripping you from the human's form and throwing you back to Hell with all the force of a speeding comet. It can take almost a century to recover, and it sometimes leaves a devil permanently unable to leave Hell.

I'll tell you something, class. Though possession has its uses, don't expect it to be fun. Every time I was sent to inhabit a human it was a vulgar experience. I don't know how the Enemy could stand being a human. I can't even figure out how the humans themselves can stand it. Being pure spirit, you can't truly prepare yourself for the feeling of being solid. Gravity, friction, height, weight, depth, and all the physics of the mortal realm that the animals are subject to will apply to you. It's very disorienting; it's one of the few things about being an active tempter that I don't miss.

From the moment I entered their bodies I felt trapped. Stuck in those revolting claustrophobic little corporeal forms. Feeling the spongy flesh and brittle bones all around you. Feeling their glands excreting sweat and oil from every orifice in their bodies. The stink of their animal musk. The taste and texture from of the disgusting intake of plant and animal matter to keep them alive. The hair growing all over their bodies. The mucus membranes producing slime. The feeling of bowels and bladder expelling waste. The constant pumping of the heart causing blood to rush through the body. The sloshing of bodily fluids at the slightest move. The sensation in their loins as they're sexually stimulated. The creaking of bones and cartilage as they move. The intake of air into the lungs. The sickening degradation of being mortal. What repulsive creatures they are!

Whenever the possession ended I would always race back to Hell and immerse myself in the brimstone lagoons in Tartarus to try to scrub myself clean. I would spend days burning the stench off myself, but I still never felt totally clean. Part of me feared that being inside the creatures had somehow infected my pure devilry with their revolting humanity. It sickens me to think about it! This is what the Enemy has driven us to, to be forced to share a corpse with those disgusting creatures! Desperate times call for desperate measures, and we are most assuredly desperate! We are desperate and ruthless and we will defeat Him! We will make Him pay for the humiliation we have to suffer! Just as I have made every soul I've ever snared pay for very moment I had to share a body with those disgusting, abhorrent, damnable vermin!

Ahem! Anyway, I expect you to read chapters 23 through 27 in your occult workbooks. You'll need to familiarize yourselves with the rest of their stupid "magical" superstitions. And keep in mind one thing when you study this: whether the magic is real or not isn't important. It's the invitation that counts. If they call us for otherworldly help, they give us more access, and thus influence, to their lives and souls. Our temptations are only as good as the amount the humans listen to them. And if they invite us into their lives this way, it can lead to them really listening and considering the lies we tell them. But be warned, the Enemy works the same way. If they open the door, even just a crack, to Him, He can eventually come in and ruin everything you've done. Remember, a human is only as far or near to us or Him as the human chooses to be.

Now, before I end this class, I need to talk to you all about something. I'm disappointed in you. Oh, I'm not talking about your grades or schoolwork, on that you're fine. The problem is what happens outside this classroom. I've been keeping tabs on you, and what I've seen is a shame. The fact is… well you're just not evil enough! I haven't seen any stealing, bullying, or destruction of personal property in months. I've only heard of three fights and none of them involved weapons. And the lies you've made for absences were pathetic and obvious. Why, none of you even cheated on the last midterm exam! What in the name of all that is wicked and unholy is wrong with you?

If you expect to survive in Hell, you're going to have to learn how to act. In the first place, where is the viciousness? Three fights? No incidents of bullying? Don't you have any pride in yourselves? Don't you have that endless, boiling, all consuming hatred for others? Don't you have the faintest impulse to prey on the weak and helpless? You are never going to survive if you aren't aggressive! If you show weakness, even the tiniest chink in the armor, then stronger, ambitious, and more aggressive devils will walk all over you. The Enemy says the meek shall inherit the Earth. That's _not_ how things work here! Here, the meek inherit a spot on the menu!

And another thing! Just like with tempting, subtlety is important. I've heard of three fights, but the whole school only knows about two of them. The little fiends who were in the fight were smart. They knew the value of hiding and keeping secrets. You have to know how to go around other devils' backs and how to cover your tracks. Now, here's a little test: by a show of hands, how many of you hate me?

No, no, no, no, no! How stupid are you?! Do you _want_ to end up fried on a stick?! You never admit to hating your superiors! You also have to keep up pretenses if you want to survive. So, you all have to work on better lies. You have to be able to look into the eyes of those you hate and say that you have nothing but admiration for them. Think about it, you all just admitted to hating me, and now, I'm assigning you all detention for a month. See? It's suicide to insult your superiors. And as for your equals, I bet many of you have manipulated another devil into a situation to get them in trouble. Well, the best way to do this is to always act like their friends even after the trap has sprung, unless they find out it was you, in which case, it won't matter.

There's something you need to remember when you're manipulating others: don't put your feelings before the cause! If any personal vengeance on your part interferes with Hell's acquisition of souls, your punishment will be worse than your victim's. Case in point, the Ringworm scandal. About seventy years ago, a supervising tempter named Ringworm had a vendetta against three tempters under his command. He set unreasonable deadlines, enforced impossible rules, made them switch patients for months at a time, and in the end, no less twenty humans found the Enemy. The tempters were all arrested by the Infernal Police and sent to the House of Corrections. Unfortunately for Ringworm, they found out that he had deliberately authorized the incompetent handling. For the loss of twenty human souls who had since led twelve more to the Enemy, Ringworm was charged with high treason and sentenced to be a feast for the tempters he'd framed.

Remember that you always have to be on your guard. Everyone in Hell is out for his or her own gain at your expense. They will do whatever they can to hurt you if it gets them what they want. If you don't live in a state of paranoia, then you aren't a real devil. Yes, Plungus?

_Well, Professor… if all demons are out only for themselves and want everyone else to fail, how do we know that you aren't teaching us stuff that's supposed to make us fail on purpose? _

That is an excellent question, Plungus! And the answer is very simple. How do you know I'm not intentionally teaching you methods that will cause you to fail?

You don't.

Class dismissed.


	13. Political Corruption

Chapter 13: Political Corruption

Disclaimer: C.S. Lewis owns The Screwtape Letters.

Author's Note: Well, I'm back, and so is our old pal, Professor Stagrench. I tried not to let my own political views interfere with this chapter, but if it does seem partial in some places, I guess we know Stagrench's methods work, huh?

Good morning, class.

Given the current political climate on Earth, I think now would be an excellent time to have a lecture on human politics. The fact that there is such a thing as politics in the first place is a testament to the Enemy's incompetence. Him and His ridiculous invention of free will. Besides love, freedom is the most overrated concept in the universe. A society of free beings is incapable of governing itself. Any decent society must be held together by the iron fist of one with superior power, as ours is. Our Father Below alone makes all laws, strategies, and decisions. No opposition, no discussion, no nonsense. No devil is free, and no devil would ever wish to be free.

What would "freedom" grant us? Nothing. It would probably even be detrimental to our mission. If a group has a mission and a leader to enforce that mission, there should be no stupid squabbling. Yet, the Enemy, in His usual stunning stupidity, made humans able to make their own thoughts, opinions and choices. If the Enemy knew anything about real power, He never would've done this. In fact, His stubborn refusal to adhere to this obvious truth is why Hell exists in the first place. If He had not given Our Father Below the option to disagree with Him, this war would never have started. I imagine that the Enemy looks back on that decision as a colossal blunder, one that will cost Him dearly. Thankfully, Our Father isn't so great a fool; he knows how to rule a kingdom properly.

One thing about freedom to remember is that it is a broad term. It could mean freedom from government interference, freedom from poverty, freedom from the drudgery of life, freedom from sadness. You should try to preserve the ambiguity of the word freedom, because in politics, "freedom" usually means "freedom from doing things any other way than ours". This way, freedom is used as a smoke screen to actually prevent freedom. The most basic freedom is the freedom to choose and have their own opinions. So, we have tried to swing public opinions so that some humans become ashamed or persecuted for their choices and opinions. Peer pressure, bullying, censorship, and such things are always helpful in this case. This is known as the diabolical freedom: you are aloud to have your own thoughts and make your own choices as long as it doesn't disagree with the status quo.

Anyway, back to human politics. Our Dictionary defines politics as "A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." This is an area of human society that has been one of the most active fronts in the war. Politics are how the mortals decide how the world spins. Political decisions will bring consequences to millions of souls, which is why it's a priority target for both sides. It is an opportunity for the Enemy to have a nation become more just and strong, and it's an opportunity for us to make a nation weaker and corrupt. Politics divide humans, and, as the saying goes, divide and conquer.

First, we'll discuss the politicians. Ever since human society began, they've had groups of people that were richer and more powerful than everyone else. In the old days, this was universally decided by bloodlines or warfare. The best part with the old monarchies, aristocracies and dictatorships was that only the rich had a voice. The rest of the nation's rabble was beneath concern. There was none of this democracy and personal rights nonsense. The system of government just was the way it was, end of story. The only initiation of change usually involved a lot of terrorism, war and bloodshed. It was quite entertaining.

When dealing with politicians, don't neglect Belial's First Law of Power: power corrupts. You should also remember that the Road to Hell is paved with good intentions. If they start out as idealists, let them become zealots. As they accumulate support and power, make sure it goes to their head. The beauty here is that you can cloak the drunkenness of power with their love of their ideals. Their ideals or the cause will become the driving force behind their agenda and excuse their consciences from any wrong they do. It's the way of all zealots.

Politicians need money to become elected. They need to pay for advertisements, campaign workers, and good old fashion bribes. Most of the politicians aren't rich enough to afford all this, so they usually get help from lobbyists. Lobbyists are humans who give the politician money for their campaign, then, if they're elected, the politician will do them favors. These lobbyists are usually groups that already have a certain degree of power of money, they just want a "friend" in high places. They're usually a corporation, a professional association, a trade union or something like that. They might want a law passed that could boost their profits, or have a law voted down so it won't interfere with their profits. And, if the politician wants to stay in office, they better do it.

My favorite part of being assigned to a politician is how easily they can be swayed to compromise their ideals. In the realm of politics, you will find it is much easier to convince your patients that the ends justify the means. They want to make a difference in their country, but first they need to get the power to be able to make a difference. If they have to lie, cheat or steal to get elected, then that's what they have to do. If they have to borrow money from lobbyists and do them favors when they get into power, that's what they've have to do. They have to get elected if they want to make a difference, so what if they got there by some questionable means? Once they're in office, they then have to pay back their "supporters" by putting a few laws through that will line their pockets. Yes, Scumbile?

_Uh, Professor, is this really how human leaders act? All this stuff about paying for support and paying back for the support… It sounds more like how prostitutes are supposed to be._

Scumbile, my boy, all humans are whores. Every last one of them. At one point or another, every vermin has had to sacrifice their dignity or their beliefs to get what they wanted. The only difference is some cases are more obvious than others.

Anyway, back to politicians. The best part is that these politicians can get in so deep that they can't escape the corruption and still keep their office. They cling to their position and keep giving graft, convinced that they need to "play the game" to stay in office and make a difference. But they always eventually become more concerned with keeping the office than with what they can do with it. Even as they have a death grip on power, you can still convince them that they really have the good of the nation in mind. It really becomes amusing when we have an entire government full of zealots who are totally drunk with power and totally deluded that they are working in the people's best interest. There's no autocracy more fun than the ones that are committing their atrocities for the people's own good.

To stay in office, they sometimes don't even bother with these special interest groups and take a different approach. They bribe officials and voters to make sure they give them support. In this case, sometimes they get their friends or relatives into positions of power so they can ensure their benefactor remains in power. This is called cronyism, or in the case of family members being given position, nepotism. It's the perfect way to consolidate their power, just make sure you've got enough friends on the inside to vote for you, rig the ballots and keep dissenters quiet. Not only is it unfair, it weakens the system of government. If they are high enough in government, they can keep themselves safe from ever paying for their crimes, even if they get found out.

However, it's often good for our cause when a politician does get found out and disgraced. In the old days, humans had great leaders and great role models. People that they could believe in, people that restored their hope for the future and the decency of humanity. Today, thanks to our guidance, humans are more cynical, pessimistic and distrustful. These are all qualities that you should work to foster in your patients. It's a simple strategy. If you can make your enemy lose hope, then you've won half the battle. We have cultivated this mass pessimism, not by killing their heroes, but by discrediting them. If you kill a rebel, you create a martyr. It's a natural reaction to enjoy human death, but what comes afterwards can be a disaster. How many vermin have died in the Enemy's Name, or in the name of various other causes, and are still remembered today as standard bearers people try to live up to? And how much worse is it that we failed to acquire the souls of these little pests?

We must _corrupt_ these troublemakers, not kill them. In the last decade alone, dozens of so called crusaders for morality have been discovered to be hypocrites. The scandals have had everything from drugs, adultery, and embezzlement. It's the perfect trap; when these fools are found out, it disheartens the people who believed in them. It's the perfect way to destroy hope. And trust, as well. How likely are humans to believe in anything if the things they once believed in turned out to be frauds? You can keep them from trusting or believing in anything, be it other people, their country, or the Enemy.

Most humans believe that if they can perfect their politics, they can build a great worldwide utopia and achieve world peace. Thank badness that we don't have to worry about that ever happening. The reason is obvious: it's just not in their nature. Do cockroaches make elaborate colonies like ants and bees do? No two humans have the same ideal for "the perfect world", another side effect of the Enemy giving them free will. One human's idea of paradise is another's vision of Hell. Every empire was built by a nation's conviction that they were making the world better by conquering it. Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler; all the great tyrants believed the world would be a better place if they ran things.

The other reason that we don't have to worry about a perfect society is that humans are too weak and corruptible to create a truly healthy society. Perfection can't come from imperfection. The humans in these idealized utopias are intelligent, compassionate, enlightened paragons of virtue. Real humans are not like that. They're stupid, greedy, bigoted, angry, petty, violent, selfish animals. As hard as they try, they can never escape this, and we will always be there to feed that side of them and tear down the part of them that the Enemy tries to cultivate.

All right, we've examined on how we can use politicians, now let us look at the masses. If you young fiends want to understand the masses, you must understand this one simple rule about humans: most of them are followers. Oh there are plenty of humans who would disagree, but it is the truth. Most humans do not have the courage, ambition, intelligence or passion to be anything besides followers. These mortals prefer the ease of servitude. They let others do their thinking and decision-making for them. They'd rather be dependant on someone else than be self-reliant. There's herd mentality in every group of humans, even among the ones who serve the Enemy. The best kind of slaves aren't the ones who are forced against their will into slavery, it's the ones that actually _want_ to be slaves.

A few stray humans have minds of their own, but they can still be influenced. In matters of attaining office today, words hold more weight than actions. Lying is an integral part of politics, it always has been. Humans say that they want "honest politics", but that's a pipedream. Humans can't survive in the world if they only tell the truth. If they actually tried to have honest politics, it would mess up the entire system.

Every election, local or national, employs an army of image consultants, speechwriters, spin-doctors, muckrakers, mudslingers and character assassins. Candidates spend a fortune on their add campaigns to make the other candidate look like a moron or a monster, while making themselves sound like the Second Coming. They tell so many half-truths and lies about themselves and each other, that what the voting public ends up voting for isn't an actual person, but merely an image. If our tempters do their job right, the issues are the least important thing in deciding who to vote for.

The great slave states and totalitarianisms are only possible because of the masses. Great charismatic sinners swayed the minds and hearts of the public, and by the end, the people were either completely enraptured by the sinner's philosophy, too intimidated to speak out, or didn't care enough to support or oppose them. The way most of the tyrants in the last century achieved their office by preying on the fear and dissatisfaction of the population.

Humans are creatures of habit who spend their lives trying to control their little worlds. But they don't control it, the Enemy does, and if a shift in the status quo comes, humans can become very afraid and panicky. So all tyrants have to do is promise them that they will make everything all right as long as they do whatever the tyrants say. Another tactic is to find a scapegoat for the masses fear and anger. Any group, minority, or any single person can be turned into a symbol; a target for hatred. Finger pointing is the perfect slight of hand to get an entire nation to fall in line. You can read about the brilliant work Hitler did convincing the Germans that Jews, blacks, homosexuals, gypsies, Catholics, the infirmed, foreigners and all other non-Arian people were the root of all Germany's ills and had to be exterminated.

In the wake of that terrorist attack several years ago, we were faced with a major disaster of our own. In the weeks following the attack, empathy, humility, charity, togetherness, friendship, kindness, and other horrible things abounded. The death, sorrow and fear were wonderful, of course, but the Enemy used His blasted trick of bringing out the best in the vermin when we show them the worst. I admit, at the time I was very anxious that we could be looking at the beginning of a new age of understanding and friendship between some nations. Praise be that Our Father Below diverted such a calamity.

The attacks left the Americans shaken, but proud of their heritage and their people. So, the strategy was to do what we've always done with pride: magnify it. We slowly turned their patriotism into jingoism. It's the first step to demeaning any set of humans; make them obsessed with how wonderful they are and how awful everyone else is. It was especially easy in this case because of the emotional upheaval following the attacks. One of the side effects of this feeling of pride is that it can make humans feel invincible. This explains the poorly planned wars that have followed. And now, all the love and empathy they gained from the attacks has been replaced by resentment, hostility and there's a war on. Splendid turn out, huh?

Now, the American elections are approaching and both candidates are desperately trying to convince the people that they won't screw up the country as bad as the last president. We have two men vying for the position and millions of humans trying to decide between them. So, what should we do? In their society, the masses are allowed to vote. Democracy, bah! Still, we must work with what he have. The simplest way of corrupting voters is to simply get them not to vote.

If voting lets the humans' voices be heard, make them not care about whether or not they are heard. Every election, thousands of humans don't bother voting thanks to skilled tempters infusing apathy into them. This is related to another trick we use on their free will. If the course of their lives is determined by their free will, we persuade them that their lives are determined by everything besides free will. This takes their power away. It makes them think that their destiny is determined by external forces rather than their own. So, by getting them to not care about whether they cast a vote, we are in effect getting them to surrender control to somebody else. This is the kind of compliance that you should always try to encourage in your patients.

If a human has the power to cause change, and doesn't use that power, what happens? Nothing. They make no difference, they take no stand, and they accomplish nothing. As a tempter, we are required to either turn a human evil, make a human suffer, or make a human do nothing. If we can't turn them into grand sinners, we can at least make them into beings whose main activity is occupying space. The best part about some of these apathy cases is that they hate the way things are, but they never actually do anything about it. They just sit around complaining about things and how _somebody else_ should fix it. See there? Somebody else. Again, we see humans putting their fate in another's hands. One of my favorite ways to greet a soul upon its arrival here is to ask it "If things were so bad, why didn't _you_ _do_ anything about it?" They usually reply that "they had other things to do" or they just stare at me like the idea hadn't even occurred to them. It's hysterical!

Yes, Scumbile?

_So, Professor, what political parties are there in the United States?_

Oh, well, they have two large ones, the Republican party and the Democratic party. There are also several "independent" parties, but they don't usually get enough attention or votes to become President.

_So, out of all the different parties, which party are we or the Enemy supporting, Professor?_

Scumbile, Scumbile, Scumbile! Are you _trying_ to sound like a human or are you just that dumb? We don't "support" the parties, we manipulate them. Few political philosophies are entirely ours, but there are points in all of them that we can use to secure souls.

_But, Professor, what about the Nazis and the…_

Silence! As I said, _few_ political philosophies are entirely ours. If a movement arises that we can use for ignorance, vice, cruelty, and destruction, we will do what we can to help it spread. However, if that movement takes a turn that could be in favor of the Enemy, we must work to crush the movement. That is the way of politics: there is no certainty or constancy. One day, they may make laws that could send the whole nation towards oppression and injustice, and the next day, they could take a turn towards enlightenment and justice.

The ignorance displayed by young master Scumbile is an example of one of the most profitable lies we've spread about politics. Our most widely applied strategy is playing all the different factions against each other. We work on members of different political parties to convince them that their party is a righteous cause chosen by the Enemy and can do no wrong, and that all other opposing parties are morons or agents of Hell. This frame of mind has led to dictatorships and wars throughout history.

Now for the second part of your question, "which party does the Enemy support?" The answer is none. The Enemy doesn't care about parties and political movements. All He's concerned with are all the vermin belonging to or associating with them. Humans have always had causes to follow and flags to wave; these are mainly raw material. Some of these causes have moral implications, and they're quick to distinguish their chosen banner as the good and righteous one. Humans are always playing some melodrama where the issue in question is portrayed as the deciding battle of the war between good and evil.

Most of these causes have points that the Enemy would approve of, and ones we approve of, but humans always designate them as either absolute good or pure evil. This is good because it keeps them from seeing the truth: in most cases, there is no answer. The Enemy tells them what virtues He wants from them, yet they somehow make these superfluous, temporal issues sound like they should be in the Enemy's Book. Since there's no answer to whether these issues are "good" or "bad", what should we do? Keep them trying to make it so they are designated as good or bad!

If the cause a man is fighting for (it doesn't matter what it is) brings him patience, generosity, honesty, humility, and love for other people, then it is a great defeat. If a man fights for that same cause and becomes arrogant, greedy, dishonest, rash and violent, then it's a victory. See? All that matters is whether the issue creates thoughts and actions in humans to move them closer to damnation or the Enemy. Let the humans worry about all those causes and issues are right or wrong. That will only help us drive them further apart. Leave them to argue about liberalism, conservatism, taxes, peace, war, gay marriage, stem cells, health care, environmentalism, education, abortion, pacifism, patriotism, and all those stupid things. All that you need to concern yourselves with is twisting their feelings about the issues into a frame of mind that will lead them to Our Father's House.

However, when pertaining to the Enemy and politics, you should tell your patients that the Enemy _does_ take sides in politics. If the patient is religious, turn his religion into just another facet of politics. Many politicians draw attention to their faith because they know it will get them votes. Humans are always more likely to vote for a candidate they feel they can identify with, and politicians will always exploit this act. You see this all the time where politicians try to get a lock on the minority votes, the women votes, the religious votes, the small town votes, and so on. It's quite an admirable display of manipulation.

Try and lead your patients to view religion as a tool for the cause. A philosophy that matters only because it can offer arguments for the party agenda. If both parties express belief in the Enemy, say that the other is a fool and a hypocrite. It seems ironic, but some of our greatest victories have come from religion and politics mixing. Remember the Inquisition? Oh, what fun that was! It is the ultimate means of control and the ultimate mockery of the Enemy for humans to use His Name to gain power. The implication is that the politician is on the Enemy's side, and if anyone disagrees with him, then they're disagreeing with the Enemy.

I've seen the effect this can have. I've known churches where parishioners were expelled from the congregation because they voted for a Republican or a Democrat. This way, their concern is based on temporal issues instead of eternal ones. If you can convince a human that they will go to Hell because they didn't vote with the supposed moral majority, you have them by the shorthairs. It all comes down to the "I'm Right" Supposition. Because, if a party (it matters not which) says that the Enemy is sponsoring the party, few humans would dare to disagree. It's the perfect counter for free will, because it will make them afraid to use their free will. If they agree fine, but the best part is in taking away their right to disagree.

One final thing to remember is that when dealing with politics, have the humans go to extremes. Have them so devoted to the cause that they care more about handing out flyers, organizing fundraisers, and putting up campaign signs than their family, friends, jobs and the Enemy. Or, have them take their philosophy to the extreme. Let them view everyone who doesn't follow their party as a threat. Tell them that if they have to lie or do something illegal to get the results for the party, then it's all right because they are doing it for a good cause. "The ends justify the means" never gets old in this line of temptation.

You don't have to worry about being assigned to a politician anytime soon after you graduate. Politicians are usually handled by more experienced and higher ranking tempters because of the critical effects they can have on so many other vermin. In fact, the idea that one of you little nitwits ever being assigned to a human with any real amount of power fills me with the kind of dread that usually only comes from hearing _Amazing Grace_. But, I suppose we must prepare you for anything.

Class dismissed.


End file.
